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[[two columns]] [[start column]] How to Skate. [[line]] The following is not new; but we print it because it has the same advantage over other directions for learning to skate that "Thirty days hath September" has over any enumeration in prose of the length of the months: Stand up erect, the ankles stiffen, Surcease your clingin', screechin', laughin', And with a proud, defiant air, Strike boldly out - now here, now there, Right, left, right, left - but not so wide; Now stand erect, and swiftly glide, And, without aid of friend or lover, Your equilibrium recover. Now, try again: Now! this way, that way, This way, that way, this way, that way; Let the arms swing free and easy; Never mind the air so breezy, In its breath is health and life, In your form the future wife Of some delightful, handsome beau, Watching you as swift you go Over the ice, a very queen Of grace and beauty. But I ween That now and then you'll get a fall-- Hoops, balmoral, head, feet and all, In quite an interesting "muss." But never mind, don't make a fuss. E'en though you hear from two or three, [[italic]] How very cold the ice must be.[[/italic]] [[line]] President Lincoln and Petroleum V. Nasby. [[line]] Petroleum V. Nasby (a Western humorist, whose works, together with those of Orpheus C. Kerr, Mr. Lincoln was wont to relish), is Mr. D.R. Locke, of the Toledo Blade. His humor is unique, but very extravagant. [New York Citizen. It was our good fortune and happiness to see much of President Lincoln during his administration, but we do not recollect of ever hearing him say anything about the writings of Orpheus C. Kerr, although we do not doubt that he occasionally read them. But that he was a great admirer and careful reader of all the productions of Petroleum V. Nasby we do know. It was our privilege to enjoy many a good hearty laugh over Mr. Lincoln's recitations of Nasby's letters. He frequently expressed to us an earnest desire to know their author. During the Presidential campaign of 1864, Mr. Lincoln took unusual interest in Nasby's political letters, and seemed delighted when we told him that a collection of them had been published. He requested the writer to procure a copy for him. We endeavored to do so, but not finding the pamphlet for sale in this city, we could not comply promptly with his request. But he did not forget Nasby, nor our promise, nothwithstanding; on the contrary, he reminded us of it in a very few days. After explaining that there were none of the edition for sale in the city, the writer promised to procure one from New York, and finally succeeded. We shall never forget the delight with which Mr. Lincoln received the copy from our hands, and read the first letter, which he had previously recited to us with great exactness. Mr. Lincoln entertained a very high opinion of the ability of the man (unknown to him) who wrote the Petroleum V. Nasby papers. He considered him a great student of public men and public affairs. He frequently expressed the opinion that his letters exhibited a wonderful knowledge of human nature, and possessed a much keener sense of the ludicrous than most writers of his class at the present day. We can assure Mr. Locke, if that is really the name of the author of the "Nasby" papers, that during the dark hours of the Rebellion he quietly penetrated the inner chamber of the Executive Mansion at Washington, and with his humorous letters, abounding in wisdom, sparkling with the highest order of wit, and sometimes as terrible with direct satire and covert irony as "an army with banners," contributed very much to cheer the heart and lighten the burdens of Abraham Lincoln, when cheer was most needed and national burdens and complications were heaviest and most difficult. We are inclined to believe that Mr. Lincoln never positively knew the real author of the "Nasby" papers. We have reason to believe that had Mr. Lincoln know him, Mr. Locke and the President would have had a very pleasant understanding. Mr. Lincoln was also an admirer of the quaint sayings and funny doings of our genial friend and the public's obedient servant, Artemus Ward, Esq. The above statement is called out at this time by the paragraph which we quote above, from the Citizen, because we believe it is due to a gentleman whose literary productions have obtained a world-wide fame, and are appreciated by none more than they were by that great humorist and statesman, quick observing and just man, Abraham Lincoln. [Washington Republican. [[line]] NO MORE AMERICAN BOOKS --Unless the Commission which has the revision of the Revenue Law in charge should recommend a modification of the tax on printed books, and Congress should act upon the recommendation, we shall soon cease to print any books at all. A more careful study of the fact leads us to the conclusion, that our recent estimate of the relative cost of books printed here and the same books printed in England was too liberal to the foreign printer; we now judge that a book can be printed and published in England for one-third the cost of the same book here. Of course, under such circumstances, the tariff proves no obstacle whatever to the importations, and should the present state of things continue, it is clear that in the course of a few months, the publication of American books will be reduced to those works which cannot be produced abroad. It is understood that the Reveue Commission is favorable to a reduction the internal duties on books -- fifteen in number, as they have calculated. It should be hoped that they will lose no time in laying their views before Congress. In order to aid them in their deliberations, we present a single item, which is a fair sample of scores: The Sunday Magazine is a periodical published in London, the price being sixpence a copy, exclusive of postage. Of this Magazine 10,000 copies are imported for sale in this country, importers affirming that the market value in England is three farthings a copy. Upon this, by the present law, they pay a duty of twenty-five per cent. -- that is, thee-fourths of a farthing, making the whole cost here to them, duty included, just 3 3/2 farthings, a little less than two cents a copy, or $200 for the whole 10,000. The importers, moreover, demand here twenty-five cents for this magazine, the market value of which in England, and upon which only they pay duty, they declare to be only three farthings. We shall follow up this case by other instances, of which we have at hand more than a score. Now let us see what the cost of the bare manufacture of these 10,000 copies would be in this country at present prices. After a careful calculation we find that the paper, composition, stereotyping, press-work, and folding of the Magazine would cost here, for 10,000 copies fourteen cents a copy, instead of three farthings, its alleged market value in England. This includes only the bare cost of manufacture, making no allowance for literary and artistic labor and the cost of the engravings. Upon these 10,000 copies the importers pay a duty of only three fourths of a farthing, while the fifteen separate taxes imposed by law upon the American manufacturer amount to at least four cents. In other words, we "protect" the British manufacturer of books by imposing upon him by way of duty only one fifth as much as is paid by the American manufacturer in direct taxes, upon raw material and labor alone. If this continues, one of two things is inevitable: The manufacture of books here, will cease, and the great amount of labor involved in it, directly and indirectly, must find other channels; or the labor must be paid for a English "starvation rates." Practically, both results will ensue. Three-fourths of our printers will be out of employment, and the others will receive pay at British rates; and all for the sake of our British friends. [Harper's Weekly. [[line]] AN ELOPEMENT. -- About three weeks ago a well-known business man of Philadelphia named Stantz, on repairing to his house one evening for supper, found his wife and two children were missing. The servants being questioned, stated positively that they knew nothing of the whereabouts of their mistress and Mr. Stantz after a diligent search, retired to rest, unable to hear any tidings of his faithless wife. On going to his place of business the next morning he discovered that one of his most trusted workmen, a cabinet-maker named Burghardt, had also disappeared very mysteriously. The thought at once struck Mr. Stantz that his wife who was [[end column ]] [[start column]] Am Impressive Impressario -- A Pacific Manager not at all Pacific -- The Latest San Francisco Sensation not Down in the Bills. [[line]] Quite recently Mr. Manager Maguire, of the San Francisco Opera House, appeared before a Police Justice of that city to show cause, if any, why he should, and to received admonition that he should not break all the bones in the body of "Vestvali the Magnificent." His last appearance is thus described by Mark Twain, under date of December 6th: "There was a grand concert at Platt's -- one of the finest that ever took place in the city, it is pretty generally conceded -- given by Mr. McDougall, in aid of the British Benevolent Association. Mr. Maguire promised to loan him Miss Emily Thorne, the sweet singer, for the occasion, and Miss Thorne gave her own consent and right gladly. At the concert, however, Mr. McDougall distributed a written slip around the house, containing the information that Mr. Maguire had withdrawn his permission for Miss Thorne to sing in the second part of the programme advertised, but stating that she would appear in the first part however, and begging the audience to excuse this change in the bill--and then there was [[?]] parenthesis, which mentioned no names but distinctly intimated that some people [[kept?]] their promises better than others--nothing more, nothing less--but taking it in the connection in which it occurred, it plainly pointed at Tom McGuire as one of those 'other people--people who don't keep their promises. Very well; and intelligent eye-witness tells me that he was in Kohler's music establishment yesterday, and Mr. McDougall was there also, talking with a lady at a little distance from him, when said Maguire proceeded violently into said store and without uttering [[a?]] word did take the aforesaid McDougall by the throat and shake him with exceeding energy and, moreover, said Maguire did rend, tear and dismember the coat of said McDougall, and yank the same from his person; and further more, the said Maguire did furiously assault the said McDougall, and smote him so that he fell and lay prone upon the earth--smote him upon the nose, that it did bleed and likewise the said Maguire--this fiery untamed man of sin--did then proceed to bang and batter, and gouge, and bite, and claw, and jam, and tear, and chaw the said McDougall until the intelligent witness aforesaid did discern with much sagacity that there was going to be trouble, and did then and there sally forth, [[?]], Sale in an separate the said Maguire from the said McDougall, and did thus preserve the peace and dignity of the realm, and prevent the probable disturbance aforesaid. All of which can be substantiated by oath or affirmation before any officer authorized to administer oaths and receive testimony. [[?]] CHARMING NEW NURSERY RHYME. Tom McGuire, Torn with ire, Lighted on McDougall, Grabbed his throat, Tore his coat And split him in the bugle. Shame! Oh, fie! Maguire, why Will you thus [[?]] Way bang and claw And gouge and chaw The unprepared McDougall? Of bones bereft, See how you've left Vestvali, gentle Jew gal-- And now you've slashed And almost hashed The form of poor McDougall. An Ingenious and Successful Swindle. An ingenious autograph swindle has recently been discovered in this city, which, for the benefit of the general public, should be exposed throughout the land. One of our more prominent and widely known citizens received a few days since a letter signed "Emma Harding," and dated at "No. 1, Spring street, Quebec." It was written upon black-edged note paper, in a fine feminine hand, and contained a pitiful story of want and suffering. The writer claimed to be the widow of a wealthy Southerner, of literary tastes and polished mind, who had been wounded in the war and died shortly since in Europe, whither he had proceeded for the benefit of his health. On his death it was found that the vicissitudes of the rebellion, in which he had been a consistent Unionist, had swept away his property, and his wife and four children were left almost penniless. She had succeeded in reaching Quebec on her way to her former home, but there are means had failed, and she was now an abject want. The letter inclosed two autographs of George Washington--one brief note, and the other a check for $500, payable to Robert Morris, upon a Baltimore banking house. These the writer said were highly prized by her husband, and nothing but the dire extremity of her poverty could have persuaded her to part with them. The note saying that the original purchaser paid $20 for one but that if the recipient of the letter would give that some for both, the sufferings of a poor woman and four children would be alleviated and their gratitude secured. The autographs themselves would have deceived the most accomplished and skillful [[italics]]connoisseur[[/italics]]. The paper was of old make, creased and worn. The [[in?]] was pale with age, and the chirography of the "Father of his Country" bore a perfect resemblance to authenticated copies of his correspondence. The check was canceled with the old style hammer, and pierced with a small bowl that would naturally result from its being filed upon the spindle, as is the custom in banking-house. This skillful relation of the pitiful story, and the apparent genuineness of the inclosure operated upon the benevolent instinct of the wife of the gentleman, to whom the letter was addressed, and she found no difficulty in speedily disposing of the supposed relics, and the sum realized was promptly forwarded to the designated address. A few days later, another of our citizens, who is prominently identified with a Wisconsin railroad, and whose name is therefore widely known, received a similar letter, forwarded from the Wisconsin town [[in?]] which he passes much of his time, worded [[in?]] the same manner as the first, containing the same complementary terms and the same heart-broken utterances, a perfect [[italics]]fac simile[[/italics]] of the other in style, and including the same autograph, save a change in the names. The affecting story produced its intended effect, and he also started to sell the autographs at a large advance upon the requested price, and thus give substantial relief to deep and meritorious suffering. In so doing, he accidentally saw a purchaser in one of the persons who had already bought one [[of?]] the first lot, and whose eyes were more suddenly than agreeably opened to a "sell," which was far more ingenious and extensive than gratifying. The swindle is a deep laid on and is calculated to impose on any save the shrewdest. It is undoubtedly extensive, and the probability is that similar missives, inclosing similar ingenious forgeries, have been dispatched to prominent men in all sections [[of?]] the Union. The publication of this expose [[by?]] our exchanges will probably prevent others from being egregiously swindled, and we therefore trust that it will be extensively circulated. No autographs of Washington will hereafter possess the slightest value, unless accompanied by certificates of their genuineness which [[are?]] obviously reliable.--[Detroit Tribune. Cotton-Planting. So many have written us asking information as to the prospects and profits of cotton planting at the South that we propose--being unable to answer their inquiries specifically--to set forth the little that we know on the subject, leaving everyone interested to make what he can of it. The leading facts are as follows: 1. Cotton is now selling at prices near equal to forty cents in gold for Fair Upland when it is known that the average cost [[of?]] producing the staple does not exceed [[ten?]] cents (gold) per pound. This is the [[great?]] fact. 2. Cotton land is abundant at the South and may be bought or hired at moderate rates. Five millions of bales (one million tuns) of the staple were grown in 1860; and it is not supposed that more than half [[as?]] much will be grown in 1866. And if not, the price can hardly fall below twenty-five cents (gold.) 3. Labor is abundant at the South, and good cotton hands can be hired there at [[ten?]] dollars to twenty dollars per month beside shelter, meal and meat. And at such prices all that can be obtained for cotton over [[ten?]] cents per pound ought to be divided between rent and profit. 4. The negroes will gladly work for employers who are likely to treat them well, they (in their innocence) suppose all Northern men will, of course. Some of them who have been cruelly treated of old, and especially those who have been cheated out of their earnings since they were free, and reluctant to engage with their old masters or other Southerners; but even these can generally find hands if they will. If any choose to employ whites, they can generally be suited making proper effort. 5. As to location, we think well of Arkansas, South-Eastern Missouri, West Tennessee, Northern Georgia, with portions of Alabama, Florida and Texas. South Carolina, [[Lowland?]] Virginia, Mississippi, and the greater part [[of?]] Louisiana, seemed to evince bitterness, suddenness, and a vengeful brooding over the downfall of slavery and the Confederacy. We presume this spirit is not universal, even in [[those?]] localities; but it is certain that there [[are?]] many neighborhoods, and even whole counties, wearing immigrants from the North would not be allowed to hire Negroes, by land and grow cotton undisturbed. 6. As to going South without money, with very little, and trying to grow cotton we could not recommend it. No one must expect to do better in a year than to double his capital, whatever it may be. 7. As to time, it is not get too late, but soon will be. A month hence will be too late to set out. 8. Whoever put seed into the ground graves the risks of frost, drouth, hail, wind, insects, &c., &c.. Nothing future is absolutely certain; but we believe growing cotton in 1866 affords as fair a prospect of [[profit?]] as any other business on earth. | New York Tribune --Great quantities of oranges are brought from the Sandwich Islands to San Francisco which is the paradise of fruits. Prices of [[fruits?]] are: Oranges, $2a5 a hundred, lemons [[$6a?]] grapes 4a8c. per pound, apples 4a8c. per pound, pears 4a10c. per pound, quinces 4a7, and strawberries 40a60. per pound -- During the last year 17,500 men in the British Army were convicted of crime, 466 whom were whipped.
