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[[strikethrough]] SATURDAY, JUNE 6, 1936 [[/strikethrough]]
158th Day   Ember Day  208 Days to come
April 14   7 P.M.

God damn it I'm bored & disgusted with myself today. I've been working in vain on a figure for a solid week, remodelling & resurfacing it every minute all day - I must have done it at least ten times allover it - & the result is a more premature stage than on the [[strikethrough]] first day [[/strikethrough]] second day. I keep thinking about Kenneth & marriage, & am fat & unattractive - losing all my old friends like St J & Jay Laughlin, who has just been here. I was so dull, & he so amusing, & I felt so lacking in literary intelligence that he is unable to talk to me, & yet I keep thinking K isn't bookish or artistic enough to suit me. What do I want, & who am I to expect anything but morons for friends. I never read, & never know even what is afoot in that world, let alone instincts about books, which is totally lacking. I feel impatient & unhealthy & bloated, & without the friends or talent as [[strikethrough]] a [[/strikethrough]] the usual excuse I can make for myself. - So what?


SUNDAY, JUNE 7, 1936 
159th Day   Trinity Sunday  207 Days to come

- so - I am going to be 24 in three days. Twenty-four years spent to produce this unattractive undeveloped unbalanced [[strikethrough]] con [[/strikethrough]] human concoction - & I should think mum would feel very badly about it. I flopped the Olympics & am flopping art & friends as fast as possible, & am not even involved with creating a family to eclipse myself. Jay wants me to do a head of him - [[strikethrough]] & God [[/strikethrough]] & I can't possibly - & Mrs Swan wants these carved posts - & I can't possibly do them