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[[strikethrough]] TUESDAY, JUNE 16, 1936 [[/strikethrough]] 168th Day 198 Days to come Cont. in 9 cases out of ten be with someone I would be [[strikethrough]] les [[/strikethrough]] much less happy with, & my own interests would have been devoured consciously or unconsciously. Alas - my ego & longing to become a good artist are too strong to get along with the forceful brilliant type of man whose life I would like to share. My biggest faults now are that I have no intellectual life whatever & never read, & that I lack the discipline to be able to live on a schedule, & work regularly (though I thinck the net result of work done is equal to a daily routine - but the hours are all wrong) so that I get more sleep, & that my ego is appalling, & that I am too fat - which is a fault in that I can't get thin through disciplining myself. There are thousands of others - but these are the big fundamental ones, & I must try to overcome them. I won't marry until I've given a big successful one man show in two or three years, & then will it be K?? When I marry I will find a million other faults, which being now without any responsibilities, haven't yet raised their ugly heads. [[left and top margin]] Goodnight - you old stuffed shirt - work & get thin until you've justified your old age of 24 - & don't be so messy in thoughts & appearance! [[left and top margin]] [[strikethrough]] WEDNESDAY, JUNE 17, 1936 [[/strikethrough]] 169th Day Bunker Hill Day (Boston) 197 Days to come April 17th From London on I [[strikethrough]] was [[/strikethrough]] make the resolution of thinking before I write, & therefore writing half the quantity. Quality rather than quantity is the only justification for so much time [[strikethrough]] spent [[/strikethrough]] & ego spent. well - my birthday party is over - & though the dinner went most pleasantly, I had procured no exciting men for my girls, & for myself had old beaux whose love is dead! [[strikethrough]] Mr [[/strikethrough]] Paul's teetotalling principle works like prohibition in this house, for everyone comes to dinner drunk because they know they won't get anything. [[strikethrough]] I [[/strikethrough]] Kim & Larry P went home - leaving us three girls alone at the dance, & altogether I was a bad hostess - but with such good friends those things don't seem to matter. I will never give any more dinners of that crowd alone again though - but I was so touched by mum's effort & plan of having it, & by her birthday cake & lovely presents - that it was well worth her while. It was funny - Sarah thinking of Stirling, & me thinking of Kenneth all evening. I [[strikethrough]] am [[/strikethrough]] long for him so that I feel it is 3 years instead of 3 weeks since I've last seen him -St John's criticisms of me are half right - because he sees the truth - but they are bitter & therefore half unjust - & all this business of old affairs gone sour with him & Kim turn me all the more toward K & work.
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