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a cheque for my birthday, which he can go around boasting about- when it only appears as an obligation for me, though it sounds fine for him- but I dont want presents from him- I actually resent his having sent it and kept it ONLY because I was so desperately broke, and because I have to play a gane of pretending to feel friendly and grateful .I want a decent and fair settlement, and I dont want presents or charity.Do you see that? After all, what was the presrnt except a help in paying to keep the damn house up so that I might be able to sell it. I havent been able to spend a ou on myself all year- it all goes for the house, and of course, I had to help R M get through this baby, as I cant put them out on the stree- though that is no affair of C's. However, had he kept his promises, I would not have got into debt, or had to borrow, and could have saved enough so that I should have been able to help RM out of her pregnancy, without it coming to this really ghastly pinching. Please dont tell Nick and Peggy, for I am so sick of griping to my few close friends, and they have been so sympathetic and sweet about it that I am afraid they'll get bored with me if this doesnt end soon. But I am going to ask something of you Ya Ching, perhaps you wont feel able to do it, but I do believe if our long friendship means enough to you, you will do it, as it would be a great benefit to me. I want to know what you did find out. Obviously . C. must have talked to you, or others close to him have, otherwise you would not have known enough about the situation to have had an opinion about the case, from his side.It may bother you to tell me, because that kind of thing seems like disloyalty- and hurts one's conscience, but I think you know by now that I have no pangs of that sort when it comes to being loyal to a friend who might be misunderstood or misrepresented, and I DO feel that you c an trust me though to know that I will not betray you, and that I shall appreciate it from the very bottom of my heart. All of this is so distateful and sickening to me, -- I scarely know how I managed to get through this year alive, if it were not for people like Bessie, Lillie, Adrian and a few others, I think I would have given up the ghost.
For the sake of clearer understanding, I wish you would ASK me, right [[strikethrough]] about [[/strikethrough]] out- about any points that you may be confused about. I have been told that C. plans to divorce ME if I dont go ahead soon, but that does not really frighten me very much- . The divorce would have been practically granted by now, if he had stood by his promises. Therefore I do not see how I can put much faith in his sincerity- IF he means to help me out- what is stopping him except the fact that- once I do start the divorce,he will then have the chance to change his mind about what he promised. Honestly darling- I ask you- what other reason could there be. From the first, he kept saying he wanted me to take the house because he simply would not touch his capital.I didnt ask him to touch it, I asked for an annunity, or some shares or anything- even some sliding scale of income depending upon whether or not he had good or bad luck, which I8d hare either way. Well, I got the house, whcih is nothing but a misery and expense.I8ve done everything I could- I sold the Packard, I sold some of my things, but I cant do without a maid, and I HAVE to pay the bills.And things happen, a furnace blew out- the storms damanged the roof and walls the retaining wall of the hillside broke through the last storm, there is never a week without something to fix, and you know what one pays in war time. oreover, living has gone up 75% out here [[strikethrough]] l [[/strikethrough]], Oh what IS the use of going through all this. Its too humiliating for words. ... Anyway dear, will you think it over, and if you dont feel you care to go into it, I shall understand of course.I do hope though that you love and trust me enough to tell me what you can, for it will aid my sense of clarity on all this. Billy Williams sent me some clippings about your newspaper job, I never thought I8d live to see the day when you'd be an editor! Do tell me all about it. .. The baby is terribly sweet and RM is getting better every day. Why dont YOU come out with Nick and Peggy? Fondest dear love,
from B.