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Nov. 27 Sunday

Made up my mind early am not to paint because of recent failures over the week (ill-conceived composition of Wailua dunes, confusion over "golden light" - feeling of insincerity, disgust with colors - so decided to free myself for several days or weeks from frustration simply by dismissing the canvas as "a bad job not to be bothered with". But - was driven to paint by some force so natural I scarcely thot of it. Worked all day, and by 2 p.m. really "got something".  It pleased me. Thrilled me - the mood, colors, composition - feeling, above all - unplanned, unawares, it found its way onto the canvas. The title "Ascension" readily suggested itself. Am thinking also of "High Wind" or "The Answer" - an answer to those who think "why doesn't he go out to parties, church, clubs, etc etc." There in the painting are my good time, my church, my friends - trees, wind, sand - and not only these, but the whole wide world the three suggest.  What freedom I feel tonight - "The world is yours" - for I am a poet - or close to it - and much is mine. An answer - also, do I find in the painting, - in its voice - to many questions - what matters in life? In what does my happiness lie? (Every man must make his quest for happiness alone). And finding it - I desire to share it with someone.   
     
Tonight I keep going to the door of my little studio to see my  paintings. I feel a love for each of them. They are my creations - torn from me to reassure my questioning self that the world is beautiful, great, good - to let others know of certain truths to which they are blind.  
     
There has been lately the matter of