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[[image]] Send $1 for WalkWays magazine/catalog filled with informative articles...walking tour information...helpful tips....exciting useful products and more, geared to walkers of all ages. [[/advertisement]] "misconceived," "ill-timed," and "counter productive"--reflected my ambivalence. During my most introspective moments, I tormented myself by imagining that if I hadn't been so prim at nineteen, when my boyfriend suggested a quickie in the back of his dad´s Ford, I might be sending a teenager off to college now instead of contemplating another visit to a fertility clinic at the age of thirty-eight. In an effort to sort out my conflicts, I began seeing a psychotherapist. While I struggled with my midlife crisis, a decisive event took place: three close friends--not superwomen, but women like me, in their late thirties with serious jobs--had children. Each continued to manage all the elements of her life quite adequately. If they could do it, I realized, so could I. Though my husband was understandably less enthusiastic this time around, he agreed to try again. For our final attempt, we chose a clinic not far from our offices--a factor, we reasoned, that would make the experience more convenient if not necessarily more fulfilling. I asked Dr. Gardner,* my personal specialist at the Fertile Valley Clinic,* how long we should allow for this last effort to achieve our goal. He suggested ten to twelve cycles. Bolstered by the illusion that medical technology can help everyone, we felt encouraged and enthusiastic. At least now we were able to articulate our feelings more clearly and to confront the stress of medical procedures and drugs. We had each other, the clinic was consistently sensitive to our needs, and I could always talk with my therapist to help allay my qualms. I decided not to tell anyone else about this second and final effort. It might not happen, I reasoned, so why arouse interest? Besides, I was tired of listening to insensitive or intrusive remarks like "You'd better get busy" or "Try half-time," and was wondering if I had become abnormally obsessed with the ticking of my biological clock. Dr. Gardner grew less optimistic about our chances as the months went by. He suggested we try artificial insemination using my husband's sperm. (My therapist termed it the direct approach.) Initially I recoiled at the suggestion, conjuring visions of cows being injected one after another. But Jim and I talked it over, and on a cold winter day (which seemed fitting), I went to Fertile Valley for the insemination. I carried the sperm in a jar in my purse. Jim had offered several times to go with me, but I explained that after leaving the clinic I planned to have a solitary midmorning drink at a cocktail lounge--a melodramatic concession to the isolation I felt. During the procedure I cried from pent-up frustration, and afterward I went straight home. When Jim called, I told him moodily that if he knew what was good for him, he wouldn't call again that day. Then I went back to bed--and back to the womb, so to speak--until the next morning. The insemination failed, and after my tenth cycle elapsed, Jim and I realized that we no longer had the emotional stamina to continue with the clinic. I thanked Dr. Gardner and said good-bye to Fertile Valley. Incredibly, after all those years, he told me I could still conceive and suggested using birth control if we had definitely determined not to have children. After much soul-searching, we decided to do just that. I had assumed, at the very least, that our decision would come as a relief, so I was totally unprepared for my uncontrollable crying jags. Why these outbursts, now that it was all over? I discussed the problem with my therapist and came to realize that I had simply never faced the real possibility of failure. I had spent almost a decade denying this outcome and the intensity of my desire to become pregnant. Now that we had closed that chapter, I was grieving. I had no visible injury, no disease, no dear relative or friend to mourn--only a deep emotional wound. Though I continued in psychotherapy for two more months, that summer was tough going--I saw babies in the park, families at graduation ceremonies, friends with children, relatives with grandchildren. In time, I regained my equilibrium and began to realize how much of my energy had been absorbed in the pursuit of motherhood. the sense of loss may remain, but my husband and I have emerged from the experience with renewed love for each other and an expanding sense of possibilities. Because conception truly is a miracle, we are accepting our childless way of life, redefining ourselves, and moving on. *Pseudonyms. 80 Savvy/February 1984 [[advertisement]] Here's your chance to achieve a small moral victory. [[image]] Gabriel Cortez Colombia Age 4 What would you do if you saw a lost, frightened child? You'd probably stop, pick him up, brush away his tears, and help him find his way. Without ever thinking about it. And there's a reason. You know what's right. And right now, you can do just that. You can act on instinct...by reaching out to 'one' desperately poor child, thousands of miles away. Through Foster Parents Plan, you'll be helping a child who almost never has enough to eat. A decent place to sleep. Medical care. The chance to learn. Or hope. It's your choice You can even choose the child you'd like to sponsor. A boy or girl. In a country where you'd like to help. You'll be helping that child within his own family. And more, helping that family to work with other families to make a better life for their children. In return, you'll receive pictures of the child. Detailed progress reports. And letters written in the child's own words. You'll see for yourself just how much you're changing your Foster Child's life for the better. Forever. And for so little. In fact, for just $22 a month, you'll make it possible for a child to have food, medical care, schooling-and hope. That's only 72₵ a day. Imagine. Your spare change could change a child's life. Please don't wait. If you saw a helpless child on the street, you wouldn't wait. You'd help that instant. Please don't wait now, either. Send in the coupon - or call toll-free 1-800-556-7918. And achieve a small moral victory that can make a big difference to a needy child. To start helping even faster, call toll-free: 1-800-556-7918 In R I call 401-738-5600 D365 Send to: Kenneth H. Phillips, National Executive Director Foster Parents Plan, Inc. 157 Plan Way, Warwick, RI 02887 I wish to become a Foster Parent to a: Boy Girl Either Age: 3-6 7-10 11-14 Any age 3-14 Wherever the need is greatest, or as indicated below Africa Bolivia Colombia Egypt El Salvador Guatemala Honduras India Indonesia Nepal The Philippines Thailand Enclosed is a check for $22 for my first month's support of my Foster Child. Please send me a photograph, case history, and complete Foster Parent Sponsorship Kit. I am not yet sure if I want to become a Foster Parent, but I am interested. Please send me information about the child I would be sponsoring. Within 10 days I will make my decision. Mr. Mrs. Miss Ms. Address Apt# City State Zip [[image]] Foster Parents Plan.(R) It's the right thing to do. Foster Parents Plan was founded in 1937 and this year will aid over 223,000 Foster Children and their families in more than 20 countries. We are non-profit, non-sectarian, non-political, and respect the culture and religion of the families we assist. Of course, you sponsorship is 100% tax-deductible, and a detailed annual report and financial statement are available on request. [[/advertisement]]
