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Turning the Tables.
Philemon Hayes and Fanny Ray had been just three weeks married.
They sat at breakfast in their cozy dining room one fine morning in summer, totally infatuated with each other. Never such happiness as theirs before! The felicity of Adam and his lady before they made the acquaintance of the serpent, was not to be mentioned in the same brea h.
They kissed each other between every cup of coffee, and made a practice of embracing at least twice-sometimes thrice-during every meal. Just now they were speaking of disagreements. Some friends of theirs had fallen out and refused to fall in again.
"We never will disagree, will we? Phil. dear?" asked Mrs. Fanny.
"Disagree! will the heavens fall? returned Phil. tragically.
"I sincerely hope not. It would be decidedly 'disagreeable,' laughed Fanny; but if I thought we should ever quarrel, and have thoughts towards each other, I should be tempted to terminate my existence!"
"My precions Fanny!" cried Phil, springing up and upsetting the toast plate on the carpet, of which he was entirely oblivious in his eagerness to get his arms around Fanny-"My littte foolish darling! as if we should ever be so absurd! (a kiss.) May I be drawn and quartered (another kiss) if I ever speak one word that shall cause a tear to fill the divine eyes of my dearest (a third explosion) Fanny!"
"O, how happy you make me, Phil! I shall try so hard to be just the faithful, loving wife you deserve. Now finish your breakfast deary. The toast will be growing cold And Oh, Phil! did you notice Mrs. Smith's horrid new bonnet last night? I declare! it destroyed all my pleasure in the music! I do wish people who will wear such untasteful bonnets would stay at home from these delightful concerts!"
"So do I, Fanny! I noticed the ugly thing the moment we entered the hall! blue flowers and and pink ribbons, and she as dark as a Creole!"
"No, my love, the flowers were green-green and blue look so much alike by gas light."
"I know they do, but I noticed it so particular that I could not be deceived. Blue-especially light blue-looks fearfully on a dark complexioned person."
"So it does, Phil, I quite agree with you, dear. But the flowers were not blue they were green. I saw them at Mrs Gray's shop before they were purchased."
My dearest Fanny, of course you think yourself right, my love, but I have a very good eye for color, and I noticed these flowers with great attention. Blue anemones with yellow centres."
"Green hibuscus with white centres, my dear Phil. Very pretty for a light skinned woman. but for a brunette!"
"Why, Fanny! how absurd! As if I could not determine a color when I studied it half the evening!"
"But it was by gas light my love. It would look altogether different by day light. It was such a pale green."
"It was such a pale blue. I remember, I thought of the sky before a storm."
"And I thought of the sea. It was nearly a sea green!"
"Why, Fanny! ridiculous! It was a sky blue!"
"How you do contradict me, my dear Philemon It was a very light green."
"And I insist it was blue!"
"Do you mean to tell me I lie?"
the head of his nephew.
"There, sir, take that! and that! and that! exclaimed he, bringing down the feathers on the shoulders of the amazed Phil. "Fanny my dear, I'll not leave a bone of him whole."
Fanny's round blue eyes had been growing larger and larger-and now her indignation burst.
"John Hayes!" screamed she; you're a heathan, and you've no business to touch him. He's an angel! He never intended to strike me. Be still striking him, or you will be sorry!" and Fanny seized the broom from behind the door and prepared to do battle.
"Stand back!" cried Uncle John, he is a monster and deserves death. The man that would threaten to strike a woman ought to be hung."
Fanny's eyes blazed-she flew at Uncle John with the spite of a tigress, and the way the trio went round the room was worth witnessing. Uncle John after Phil with the duster, and Fanny after Uncle John with the broom.
Phil made a spring for the window, but there was a whatnot in the way, and getting his leg entangled in that, he brought the whole concern to the floor, ambrotypes, books, vases, rare china, and a hundred cherished curiosities, all were involved in direct ruin.
Phil went down with the other things, Uncle John stumbled over him, and Fanny only saved herself by seizing the bellcord, which brought her two servants speedily on the spot.
Of course they took Phil and Uncle John for house breakers, and if Fanny's explanation had not been enforced by the sundry touches of the broomstick, the consequences might have been serious.
The first moment of calm was seized upon by the young couple to embrace each other.
"My angel Fanny!"
"My precious Phil!" and then followed a series of explosions like the bursting of a series of beer bottles.
And Uncle John left the house during this interesting performance, still firmly of the opinion that the surest way of reconciling a wife to her husband is to get a third person to help her abuse him.

AN INCIDENT. - A 'reb,' who had long languished on the sweets of a forced idlencas, consequent upon his occupation having terminated with Lee's surrender began to look about him for something to be, to do, or to suffer. Thinking himself sufficiently reconstructed, he applied for work at one of the Departments presided over by a Federal officer.
'Have you been in the rebel service? he asked.
'Yes, sir,' was the reply.
'in any battles?'
'About eighteen pitch battles, sit,'
'Ever kill any Yankees?'
'No sir; never killed any.'
'How do you know that?'
'Well, I couldn't kill any of them.'
'Why was that?'
'Because they were all in the rear speculating; but I guess I slayed about a thousand Dutch and Irish.
We did not learn whether the candor of this reb secured him a place or not but it certainly was deserving of some recognition. - Norfolk Virginian.

THE SECRET.-"I noticed," said Franklin, " a mechanic. among a number of others at work on a house erecting, but a little way from my office[?]

The Song of the Tilt.
The tilt, the tilt, the tilt's the thing-"T."
The costume of Greece and the toga of Rome Are outdone in tot by the fair ones at home,
For married men shiver, and single men 'wilt,'
When damsels pass with a swing of the TILT.

I've stood on Mt. Blanc and been lost in amaze
As nature her icy bound grandeur displays;
And have felt my soul thrill on a bright summer day
As I languidly float down Naple's fair bay.

But to see nature perfect in every degree,
From the size of a calf to the turn of a knee,
And observe in detail how the body is built,
Let a damsel pass by with the swing of a TILT.

These tilt-away hoops are so large and so light
Reveal such queer dry goods, once hid from the sight.
You can read the initials marked on them quite plain,
From which mean (if they are moral) can scarcely refrain.

It make no great difference 'bout culture of mind,
While a crown of young fellows are always behind;
Perhaps she's a flirt, or perchance she's a jilt,
She sets them all crazy be swinging her TILT.

The fair sex--the round ones--at least so I hear
Are the chief apparatus on which tilts appear.
The spare sex-you know very well what I mean-
Wear the old-fashioned hoops and the long crinoline

Small dainty boot, and a stocking so white,
As the tilt-away strings, makes a beautiful sight,
An I as Flora step gaily o'er water that's spilt
Expands on the view with a swing of the TILT

For the costume of Greece and the toga of Rome
Are outdone in toto by the fair ones at home;
For married men shiver and single men wilt,
As damsels pass by with a swing of the TILT.

The Midnight Assassin.
I was on my way to P--, in the fall of 18--; it was towards cold evenings in the first fall month, when my horse stopped suddenly before a respectable house about four miles from N---.
There something strange and remarkable in this action of my horse, nor would be move a step in spite all my efforts to urge him off.
I determined to gratify this within, and at same time a strange presentiment which came over me; a kind of supernatural feeling, indescribable, seemed to urge me to enter. Having knocked and request to be conducted to the lady or gentleman of the house, I was ushered in to a neat sitting room, where sat a beautiful girl of about twenty years of age. She rose up at the appearance of a perfect stranger.
In a few words I related to her the strange conduct of my horse, and his stubborn opposition to my mind.
"I am not," I observed, "superstitious nor inclined on the side of metaphysical doctrines of those who support them but the strange unaccountable feelings that crept over me in the attempting to pass your house, induced me to solicit lodgings for the night." 
"We are not," she replied "well guarded, 'tis true; but in this part of the country we have little fear, from robbers, for we have never heard of any being near us; we are surrounded by good neighbors, and I flatter myself we are at peace with them. But this evening, in consequence of my fathers absence, I felt unusually lonesoms, and if it were not bordering on the superstitions, I might reason as you have, and say I consent to [?] your staying, for similar feelings had been mine ere you arrived; from what cause I cannot imagine."
the sound of my foot caused him to turn.
He started, and thus confronted, we stood gazing at each other a few seconds; his eyes shot fire--fury was depicted in his countenance. He made a spring towards me, [?] the next moment lay a corpse on the floor!
The [?] the pistol roused the fair sleeper; [?] in bed and seemed an angel of [?] white clouds emerging from her p?] bed to soar up to the skies.
The first thing that presented itself to her view was myself standing near her, with a pistol in my hand.
"Oh, do not murder me!--take all--you cannot, will not kill me, sir!"
The servants now rushed in--and all was explained.
The wretch turned out to be a vagabond supposed to be a runaway slave from Virginia. I had the providential opportunity of rescuing from the worst fates, she who in after years called me husband, and related to our children her miracuous escape from the bold attack of the midnight assassin.

A young lady writes to us, indignantly, says an exchanged, to "know when we are going to let hoops alone" We assure our fair correspondent that we never trouble out [?] about hoops unless there is a woman [?] them.
A lady in Indianapolis the other day commenced tickling her daughter, a girl fourteen years-old. She continued this amusement until the girl became completely exhausted, and finally, in struggling to free herself, burst a blood vessel and died.
The summer solstice rages in all its fury. We hear of nothing from our exchanges but battles, murder, hear, drouth, pestilence, apprehended famine, coup de soleil, fires, robbery, etc. Isn't it appalling?

THE CROPS.- Monday last being saleday a large number of the citizens of the District assembled here. We were sorry to learn that in various sections of the country, that the corn crop is still suffering, from the continued drought. Cotton is backwards, but may yet do well, with good seasons.- Union Times.



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Gen. Hood was feted at Richmond Texas. In a speech at that place "he endorsed perfect submission and a dignified endurance of all wrongs." He advised people to build school houses, churched and railroads.

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