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Digging to China with a Spoon

I decided to be an artist in the car. Most all of my big decisions are made while I'm driving. Our family drove at night. When I saw the black sky and the car lights, first as dots and then growing into glaring circles from the dark space, I wanted to be a person with a voice, and artist. 

The family never planned the trips. They weren't vacations. My mother would wake us up and tell us to get our pillows and all five kids would be packed unto the car. The trips were escapes. We were running away from my mother's demons and we had to keep moving. I think she also made decisions while she was driving the car. 

I would stay awake and watch. My survival depended on how well I watched. I look out the side car window. First I would see how the rubber, cracked from the Arizona sun, wrapped around the glass and held it in place, protected us. There was always a start and an end to the rubber. I would find where it began and follow it around the oval shape of a glass. The glass gave me two ways of looking at the world. I could see my own face reflected and watch my eyes or I could see out into the night. I would switch back and forth, looking at me and then looking at the streets as we drove towards highway 60 out of Phoenix. 

Three kids were in the back seat, my two brothers and myself.  The movement of the car let them sleep.  I was on watch.  My oldest sister sat up in front with my Mom.  She held the baby and key my mothers anger fueled.  To keep the car moving we needed both gas and my moms anger.

The car was moving.  My sister lit my mom's cigarettes, "Judi, hand me a smoke".  The cigarette and matches were buried in the bottom of her purse.  The purse was full of unpaid bills, a checkbook with an empty account and wadded up Kleenex.  The purse was never able to close because she kept her important history there, never filed away but always with her so she could keep moving.

Outside the car window I could see us pass the houses, some dark and others that looked warm where everything worked.  The families were at home, sitting at the kitchen table or maybe a person walking from one room to another.  There were no cool blue lights from televisions.  These houses didn't have the modern invention of a TV.  This was 1953 and that would come later.