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comes out. Gertrude and Sara met me at the junction with our new horse but Aunt Christina came up in the car and no one being there to meet her I let her ride and Gertrude and I walked. I had a heavy heart amid all this bursting life and freshness of the spring. I am in the greatest trouble and see no way out. It is very dull for Gertrude up there but she bears it without complaining and tries in every way to lighten my anxieties. I came back on Monday morning by Wallkill Valley.

Monday evening dinner of the G.B. Club. the last one. Have worked today on an old picture which I began more than a year ago, but I am too full of trouble to do much. Wrote to Gertrude today. I destroyed one letter it was so doleful. The cars ran over the Elevated Railway today for the first

Friday May 3 1878. The time drags wearily. I am in no mood for work for I am consumed with anxieties. My room seems lonely and all I hear or see is discouraging. Calvert and the boys went away from here on Wednesday and I miss them very much for I used to see some of them every day. I go out for my dinner now. Hall and I go together but I dislike restaurants. I am more unhappy than I have ever been before for I have not the faith and hope I once had. It seems a sad conclusion that after twenty years spent in New York during which I had some distinction to find myself today actually unable to pay my rent and my living. Butler called today and I gave him my note for $600 to renew the other. How I dread such things. It seems to me sometimes that I will go crazy. I am going home tomorrow but I will be equally troubled there.

Thursday 9. Went home Saturday by Wallkill Valley and remained until Tuesday morning.