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again to the Flat bush road and home. It was very cold. I have been feeling most unsettled and unhappy. I grieve so for dear Gertrude that there some times when he absence seems almost insupportable. It seems to be I was never so unhappy and despondent. Maurices conduct adds to my grief and besides the worries of the annual payment of our taxes and interest are again pressing upon me. I do not think I am well. My digestion is bad temporarily, but that comes from my troubles and the one aggravates the other. 

Sunday Dec. 28. 1879. I felt so wretchedly this morning when I awoke and I had so dreadful and overwhelming a longing for dear Gertrude that as soon as I had eaten my breakfast I walked over alone to the cemetery feeling that it would be a comfort to me to see the spot where she sleeps. There was nothing to see but a mound of snow above that dear, warm heart that once loved me so tenderly. O what a desolating wave of sorrow swept over me when I thought what that hid from me, and I came back through the snow feeling that all joy had indeed gone out of my life. I wrote very sad letters I fear to Lucy, to Alice, to Booth and to Oscar. I ought not to write when I am so depressed but it is a relief to me which I cannot help indulging in.

Monday 29. Went over to my studio, built a fire and tried to paint a little winter Moonlight, a scene from here during these brilliant winter nights but I was too unhappy to work. My stood and my dear little house made me sad and I could not control myself. I came home and Sara 

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