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with Booth, his wife and Edwina to see Bouger in his play Booth thought it extremely clever. In the midst of it I kept thinking of dear Gertrude and felt so alone in all the crowd that I wished I were away. I had a letter from Sara. She had had one of her severe headaches and was up all night. In the midst of it Maurice came to her and begged her to help him. It was pitiful to read her account of his misery. Strangely enough I have been more composed and less unhappy today than in a long time. Mary recommended me to smoke a cigar before going to bed. In reading Kingsleys letters he speaks of being much more quiet and less nervous and sleepless after smoking. I have not smoked since Jan 1 and perhaps I need just that little narcotic. I shall try it each evening and smoke at no other time. Booth brought me the check today. What a generous kind fellow he is. This is the act of a real nobleman, what I know he is glad to do, and what he knows I would do for him.

Saturday Jan. 31. 1880. Mary and I went to the Water Color Exhibition. It is very interesting and many of the pictures were sold. I feel sorry I had not some good things there. Came to my room and painted until four o'clock when Mary and I went to Mrs. Watsons tea where I saw a number of my friends. From there we went to Mrs. Wm Church's where the two Miss Armours, Canadian ladies from Coburg are staying. I force myself to go out but I am unhappy and depressed in spite of all I can do. Found a letter from Sade on coming to my room in which she told me of Maurice and is misery and of what a lonely, desolate feeling she had thinking of dear Gertrude. It was the day of the meeting of the Charities Aid association and she had been there alone. They used to walk up together, but her absence had been so solemnly impressed upon her that she was overcome with a sense of desolation. My own sense of her loss was almost insupportable. I prayed to God that she might come to me and let me know that somewhere she still existed for me and was conscious of my suffering. But there is no response to such vain appeals. We have no right to make them. They come from our agony and our despair. Yet I do feel that in an immortal state my dear Gertrude awaits me. I should be more wretched than I am if I could not feel this.