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as we went out avoiding some muddy places beyond that point. We talked and cried together over darling Gertrudes sweet memory and went over and over again her sweetness and her patience during her whole life and which grew sweeter and lovelier to the last. O the agony of her loss and the loneliness and emptiness of the world without her. It seems to me now that if I could have her dear companionship all the other troubles of this life could be easily borne and yet I remember that when I did have her I was even then often unhappy and despondent. How could I be - how could I ever wish for greater blessings when I was so rich in her. Now I wait only to be with her. I cannot be happy again and all my efforts in that direction seem so futile that I can hardly make the effort to fight against my sorrow. I pray for strength to bear it but it does not come and all my waking hours are heavy and sad. What has the future for me? Am I to spend the remainder of my life in this sad way or will time heal this bitter hurt. 

Monday 19. Apl. 1880. The day was dark and sad and I could not rise above my awful and crushing sense of depression. The house and the landscape are sad and all my thoughts go to darling Gertrude. I came away on the noon train Sade driving me down to the ferry. I do not know what I should do without her tender love and sympathy. She begs me to strive against my depression, wants me to go abroad with Booth and to get away from the reminders of my sorrow, but how can I. I have no money and even if I had the disposition to go away, which I have not now that my father and mother are old and dependent upon me, I could not do it. I lose sight of all my blessings thinking of the light that went out of my life with dear Gertrude. I read on my way down in Miss Mulochs "Christians Mistake" and at Newbury Mr. Lay got in and sat with me and we talked the rest of the way. My studio looked sad and gloomy when I arrived and I went over to Marys earlier than usual because I could not bear to be alone. Booth had asked them to come to his box and see him in Richelieu and to bring me so we went Calvert, Mary and I. Gifford and his wife were there