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studio until he wanted it which relieved me, for I was in doubt whether he would take it. Sent the little portrait of Gertrude to Alice by Express. Deposited the proceeds of my note ($295.65) and made reservations to go home by evening train. Had to call Mrs. Cassidy in and complain again of the way in which my room was reflected. Went home by 4 o' clock train to keep our engagement at Mrs. Cantines. When I reached home found Janette sitting by the fire. She said Sara had gone to the Cantines and they were expecting me there to tea. After a little preparation I went down and found them at supper. Mr & Mrs. Van Slyke and a Rev. Mr. Cobb besides Sara. We staid until 11 o'clock and had a rather pleasant evening, as pleasant as I ever can with orthodox clergyman with whom it is not safe to venture on some topics. 

Tuesday 18. My father remains as well as usual but keeps to his room as the weather is cool with indications of a storm. Mr. Jansen has in my absence brought home our little Alderney cow in a wretched condition. She looks as though she had been starved and abused and they tell me the day she arrived there they thought she would die. In the afternoon, Mary, Sara, Janette and I rode out on the Flat bush road, which was in a miserable condition, crossing over to the Sangerties road. We had a pleasant ride, although I was impressed with the fact that our horses are getting old and stiff and that it is not much pleasure to ride after them. Indeed I felt greatly depressed and troubled about the summer while I was at home. I shall try to be patient however and to hope some thing may occur to encourage me.

Wednesday 19. Came to N.Y. by morning train bringing my trunk with me to pack my things for the summer. Found such kind and friendly letters from Weir and his wife. Went to see Wood and we decided to call a meeting of the Artists Mutual Aid Society on Friday. I came to my room and wrote the notices. Have been getting my things together in order to leave town Saturday. Mr. Jay Smith the art director of the Minneapolis exhibition called and I arranged with him to send two pictures and if the one sent to Detroit does not sell will send that. Telegraphed to Eastman asking him if I should come up about six, but received no answer. Have felt dizzy and depressed all afternoon. Went over to dinner and found Calvert, Bowyer and Marion there. Calvert I can see is worried as I am and life seems a struggle. I feel very despondent and discouraged but attribute it partially to my physical condition. Called to see Mrs. Gray but she had gone to Newport, but saw Florence and spent an hour there when I came to my room feeling lonely, unhappy and despondent. These changes from city to town, and the reverse grow more and more serious and trying as I grow older, and as I find my profession growing less and less of a dependence.

Thursday 20 Went out and bought matting for the sitting room at home and made some other purchases. Calvert came over to my studio after breakfast. He seems worried and troubled but does not say much. Am gradually getting my things packed. Church called. I was surprised to see him as I did not know he had returned from Mexico. He seemed very feeble and infirm and from what he said of Mrs. Church she too seems in a critical condition. She is confined to her bed. What a contrast Church seemed to me today to the brisk, energetic young fellow of twenty two when I first met him. While he was here a dispatch came from Eastman telling me my telegram of yesterday had only just reached him and asking me to come up to dinner. I went over home to tell them I would not be there to dinner and went up to Eastmans at 6. We went up to his studio and he showed me what he was doing. Has got into a bother with Bishop Potters portrait, but has plenty of orders. Rouse came to dinner. He looks old and I think feels so. Arranged with Beard today         

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