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"How much will you charge to get me a divorce?"
"Two hundred Dollars."
"Don't be ridiculous. I can get him shot for fifty."
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The poor man on the stand was accused of a double murder. He had pleaded guilty to both of the slayings and the prosecutor was questioning him as to his motives. "Well," the prosecutor was saying, "it's fairly obvious that the motive for the first murder was robbery. But I can't see just why you stabbed the second man?"

"Well," said the defendant, "I had to hid the knife, didn't I?"
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Mary had a heart of gold;
But stealthy as a fox,
The government snuck up on her,
And stuck it in Fort Knox.
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Astronomer (in the mountans):  Do you know where the big dipper is?
Mountaineer:  Why shore.  Hit's in th' cabin, next to th' whiskey bar'l.
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One of the freshmen took in a burlesque this summer and the next day went to an oculist to have his eyes treated.

"After I left the show last night," he explained, "my eyes were red and sore and inflamed."

The Doc looked him over, thought a minute and then remarked: "After this try blinking your eyes once or twice during the show...you won't miss much."
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Then there is the woman who went nuts trying to have the last word with an echo.
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Soph:  Did you ever take chloroform?
Fresh: No, who teaches it?
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Conductor:  Can't you see that sign, "No Smoking?"

Sailor:  Sure, Mike, that's plain enough but there are so many dippy signs here. One says, "Wear Nemo Corsets." So I ain't paying any attention to any of 'em.


"I hear that your son left college because of poor eyesight."

"Yeh, he mistook the dean of women for a co-ed!"
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Math. Prof: Now, if I subtract 25 from 37 what's the difference?

Little William: Yeah! That's what I say. Who cares?
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"Going around with women a lot keeps you young."
"How come?"
"I started in going around with them four years ago when I was a freshman, and I'm still a freshman."
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Mr. Penny (to servant):  Please announce Mr. and Mrs. Penny and daughter.
Butler (loudly):  Three cents!
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It was a wise freshman, and when forced to apply a the Wilshire police station for lodging he gave his name as Smith.

"Give us your real name," ordered the Sergeant.

"Well," said the fresh, "put me down as William Shakespeare."

"That's better," said Sarge, "you can't bluff me with that Smith stuff."
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My girl drives me nuts when she tells me about their cow back home that drank some purple ink, and mood indigo.
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Blind Date: My, but this floor is slippery.

Plebe: Floor I shined my shoes if that's what you mean.
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Soph: Come on, take a bath and get cleaned up, I'll get you a date.

Fresh: Yeah, and then suppose you don't get me the date?
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Mistress:  Did you give the goldfish fresh water?

Maid:  What's the use?  They didn't drink what I gave them yesterday.

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AUTOGRAPHS

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