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6

[[underlined]] Later in Schenectady. [[/underlined]] 

Today dear little Mother was left alone again. I always have a sense of being utterly unworthy of Mother -- unworthy and unappreciative of all she has done for me. How much she has done! How much she has sacrificed for me until at last she made the ultimate sacrifice, and for my sake, gave up her boy, gave up the one who has meant everything to her. Can I ever repay her; can I ever be worthy of all she has done for me? Surely God must smile on her. Surely He will see that her sacrifice is not unrewarded. And I must do my best to make her happy even though I am away from her Oh, how I want to! At last I feel the dear wished-for tears in my eyes. Oh, dearest, dearest Mother, who has given up her all for me, I do love you, I do want to be worthy of your sacrifice. I do want to make you happy and glad you did all this for me. Ah, God grant I may not be unworthy of Mother.

Back again to my chosen world of Industry and Engineering I go; back to Inferno; back to 61 test ("and then in jeste, they call it teste"). I have but three more weeks in 61, and then I hope to get 11, which is good and should teach me something of value. My cap is set for the Railway Engineering Department and I [[underlined]] will [[/underlined]] get there. I find myself doubting sometimes and wondering if I shall get what I want. How foolish to doubt when one has been given Faith, for Faith is to take Doubt's place. I feel I belong in work connected with the railroad, which, since my first recollection, has fascinated me. I have but one life to live here and as mayhap they have no railroads in the next world, I have but one chance to become affiliated with railroad work. And so, under such circumstances, how can I fail to get into that work? Why, I MUST get into it and that is all. And I am to get into its very latest branch of development, electrification! How could my future have been shaped in a better way than it has been? As I think of the march of circumstances and events in my life, toward its various ends, my faith grows stronger and my wonder increases. How can people wonder if there is a God if they open their eyes and look at the world? How can they wonder if they have looked across a river early on a winter morning and seen a big yellow moon in a gray-blue sky turning silvery ice to gold? How can they wonder if they have looked at anything in the world with understanding eyes? And so some of us live and some are here but aren't living. After all, I want to LIVE and know it.

And this leads to my new dawning understanding of what it means to really live, what things are worthwhile and what aren't. These past holidays, I have thought a bit about this although I grant that most of my thoughts have been of Willie. The great dance we went to made me think, made me ask what all such tearing around really [[underlined]] is [[/underlined]] worth. What is a society life alone worth,