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THE FRONT ROW
an actor's view of the audience

"Front row center" sounds so glamourous - the best seats in the house, you say. But are they? Do you realize the peril you are putting yourselves in by sitting there? I don't mean accidents - things falling off the stage - I mean the awesome responsibility you incur by sitting right under the actors' noses. Because, dear Mr. and Mrs. Theatregoer, if you are sitting in the front row - you are in the show!
For instance, if you're a "good" audience, laughing and crying at the right moments, and mousy still and quiet in between, the actors will blossom and give of their very best. They can see you appreciation - and the whole audience benefits. Backstage, you will be praised, not only for your intelligence and sensitivity, but also for your excellent taste in clothes, jewelry, hair care, general deportment and careful upbringing. Later, when asked "How was the house?", the actors will say "Lovely!" - and they will mean you.
But woe betide the evening when the front row is a "bad" audience - stony-faced, fidgetty and prone to acute bronchitis. No matter how enthusiastic the rest of the house may be, all the actors can see is a group of sullen, nit-picking invalids - so they will tend to give a performance that is merely competent, as opposed to inspired. Everyone suffers.
And backstage, they are merciless. Every stitch of your shabby clothing, every pound of you excess flesh, every last split end of your hair is held up to ridicule. Your schools and colleges are impugned. Your home and neighborhood is maligned. Your parents are openly mocked. Later, when asked "How was the house?" the actors will say "Rotten!" - and they will mean you.
As a director, as well as an actor, may I offer a few helpful notes on how to give a really successful performance in the front row - and so make the evening a pleasure for everyone.
1. Avoid wearing pale colors. They pick up the light more strongly than dark ones, and your every move looks like a semaphore signal. A man in a gray flannel is asking for trouble. A woman in white doesn't stand a chance.
2. Do not eat candy or breath mints. At close quarters, the crackling of cellophane sounds like fire, and the noise of Dyna-mints or Raisinettes rattling up and down their boxes is roughly the equivalent of machine gun crossfire. This can affect the actors' timing.
3. Keep jewelry to the minimum, nothing twinkly of course, and charm bracelets are out. They are bad enough in the rest of the house, where they sound like so many dying Tinker Bells, but in the front row, they are an absolute no-no. (I remember one night at Oh Coward!, at the late, tiny New Theatre, a lady giving an excellent front row performance, never missing a glance or a nuance from the stage, but unfortunately, she wore on one arm enough baubles and beads to stock an entire road company of Kismet. In fact, during intermission, we had to ask her to remove it - it was driving our percussionist mad.)
4. Watch your posture. Never slump down in your seat. The angle of the lights does cruel things to the shape of your body and makes you look like something thrown on the bonfire at Hallowe'en.
5. If you feel you may snooze at some point, wear dark glasses from the beginning of the show. The actors will merely think you are blind and tend to speak more distinctly. This could be a good thing all around.
6. Never put your shoes or coat on the stage. Apart from their being verbally ripped to shreds backstage, you are asking for an extra flourish in the choreography - or a simple, well-placed kick.
Lastly, if you are planning on being late, just remember that not only will the actors get a good look at you, but so will the rest of the audience. You may never live down those notices.
So now, dear Mr. and Mrs. Front Row, enjoy the show - but never forget, you are in it!
by Roderick Cook

A star is poured.
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(C) 1979 Commonwealth of Puerto Rico.