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106

[[strikethrough]] Sunday, April 15, 1928 [[/strikethrough]] Oct. 15, 1929

I am home from Europe again.  I have been home since Sept. 18, and since then I have been living in a most difficult state of mind.  Europe had glamour and excitement and stimulation and worthwhile things to think about.  The boat trips both ways taught me lessons in dealing with people, with fellows.  I kissed people.  I grew up a little more.  Back here at home it has been anti-climatic.  It has been hectic enough.  School has been interesting.  Movies entertaining.  But it is the people.  They seem so futile.  First there was all the business of Dick Danuth, obviously an abnormal, over-emotional person.  Then the strain of having Peanuts really quite swept off his feet.  Immature foolish people.  School in a strange class.  And finding in Dan a remarkably comfortable satisfying person.  Then came the business of hearing Tommy had T.B. and the real worry I had for it, and the suspense of no second letter.  Then at last his letter — certainly disappointing.  And certainly hurting me deeply.  Personally I think I was and am really in love with him.  Mother suggests it is purely because I kissed him so much, on all the romance & glamour of the sea.  I did kiss him — more and differently than anyone else ... and gave him his way.


107

Monday, April 16, 1928

I won't act that way with another fellow.  I couldn't help it.  I am sure I love him really.  But the letter says it is final.  Quite an illogical conflict, which upset dear Mr. Huxly considerably.  I think of him constantly — at queer moments.  Peanuts is darling;  I have a terribly strong affection for him:  and I am hypocrite enough to really love only Tommy.  Or maybe it isn't even love.  I wonder why I can't discriminate between my emotions.  I haven't been dramatic — but it has hurt.  And perhaps that is the main reason why I'm not adjusted — contented here  - now.  But I am sensible enough to know that as I laugh at the other parts of this diary now, as I will laugh at this later.  Any any rate I hope so.