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230 [[strikethrough]] Friday, August 17, 1928 [[/strikethrough]] Nov. 13, 1937 – Thank you – I needed desperately, John, to hear your tell me that what I believed in my heart was right. Believing in you is about the first whole hearted thing I've ever done, I think. And that in the face of so much opposition, so that now I keep it closed up inside me except for you. I did see you in Mexico. We went to all those delightful places together, and somehow I seemed really to awaken to beauty and loveliness, and to enjoy with my whole heart all we saw, and my whole mind, too. The churches and the [[?retrables]]. I began to sense form and decoration and media. And I think I evolved a sort of aesthetic for myself. And I loved the country – the jardinicos and the flora fundia and the mountains and the soft-brown eyed gentle people. And band concerts and avocadoes and lilting nostalgic songs like "Ven". I was ruthless and selfish as far as mother was concerned, but I was happy with you. Happier than I've ever been in all my life. I knew before I went all the stories about your homosexuality and Tonio Selwart. Perhaps I was brazen but I sensed that you wanted to break down those barriers again. We came back. Alan was fond and loving and gave me lots you never had. We came back here an I was glad once more to see you – be with you – even 231 Saturday, August 18, 1928 under these circumstances. The trip to Boston was an experience. It made me feel I should face the reality of your indifference; and I hated your tremulousness with Jere Abbott and realized that your past was still strong within you. And I loved the museums. So I went to Philadelphia to have Frank make love to me and flatter me. And I missed you, and odious comparisons arose again. Joe Louchheim appeared – an ideal person for me, but again [[strikethrough]] the [[/strikethrough]] your shadow fell between us. And I worried because I didn't feel about him as I should. And just at this time George – Yves, & Agnes, & Janice, & my friends tell me you are bad for me, that I will get hurt, that you are a homosexual. And whether that is true or not never seems to matter, John. They tell me to get over you. But I can not, nor do I want to. For you are the one person I want to spend my life with forever. You are the person I respect and need and love. And I told you to tell me I was right and you did, and now there is no more doubt. I shall believe, John, in what most people would call inanities. Maybe it will do me harm in the long run – maybe it will mess my whole normal life. I cannot tell. All that I do know is that once believing something emphatically
Transcription Notes:
Tonio Selwart - a German actor
Jere Abbott - Museum Modern Art