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[[strikethrough]] Friday, August 17, 1928 [[/strikethrough]]

Nov. 13, 1937

– Thank you –

I needed desperately, John, to hear your tell me that what I believed in my heart was right.  Believing in you is about the first whole hearted thing I've ever done, I think.  And that in the face of so much opposition, so that now I keep it closed up inside me except for you.

I did see you in Mexico.  We went to all those delightful places together, and somehow I seemed really to awaken to beauty and loveliness, and to enjoy with my whole heart all we saw, and my whole mind, too.  The churches and the [[?retrables]].  I began to sense form and decoration and media.  And I think I evolved a sort of aesthetic for myself.  And I loved the country – the jardinicos and the flora fundia and the mountains and the soft-brown eyed gentle people.  And band concerts and avocadoes and lilting nostalgic songs like "Ven".  I was ruthless and selfish as far as mother was concerned, but I was happy with  you.  Happier than I've ever been in all my life.

I knew before I went all the stories about your homosexuality and Tonio Selwart.  Perhaps I was brazen but I sensed that you wanted to break down those barriers again.  

We came back.  Alan was fond and loving and gave me lots you never had.  We came back here an I was glad once more to see you – be with you – even 


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Saturday, August 18, 1928

under these circumstances.  The trip to Boston was an experience.  It made me feel I should face the reality of your indifference;  and I hated your tremulousness with Jere Abbott and realized that your past was still strong within you.  And I loved the museums.

So I went to Philadelphia to have Frank make love to me and flatter me.  And I missed you, and odious comparisons arose again.

Joe Louchheim appeared – an ideal person for me, but again [[strikethrough]] the [[/strikethrough]] your shadow fell between us.  And I worried because I didn't feel about him as I should.  And just at this time George – Yves, & Agnes, & Janice, & my friends tell me you are bad for me, that I will get hurt, that you are a homosexual.  And whether that is true or not never seems to matter, John.  They tell me to get over you.  But I can not, nor do I want to.  For you are the one person I want to spend my life with forever.  You are the person I respect and need and love.  And I told you to tell me I was right and you did, and now there is no more doubt.  I shall believe, John, in what most people would call inanities.  Maybe it will do me harm in the long run – maybe it will mess my whole normal life.  I cannot tell.  All that I do know is that once believing something emphatically 

Transcription Notes:
Tonio Selwart - a German actor Jere Abbott - Museum Modern Art