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232
Sunday, August 19, 1928

and instinctively I shall have the courage to believe it until something proves to me conclusively that I am wrong.  And only you, John, can do that.

April 16- 1935

No - Joseph has taught me.  Because with him I find the essence of both you and Alan, and because he accepts both sides of me.  But I still thank you, & still am fond of you, even more so now that it is sane, and always want to know you.  But I realize it is Joe whom I love and with whom I want to spend my life.


233
Dec. 26, 1938
[[strikethrough]] Monday, August 20, 1928 [[/strikethrough]]

I'm very unhappy, so maybe if I write it all out here I'll see how silly it is and get over it — because there is noone I can tell about it, except the one person who is the cause of it in part and I won't tell her.  Joe is being psychoanalyzed — by Marynia.  It's because of his abnormal difficulty in public speaking or speaking to new people. He seems to be sincere in his explanation of how dreadful the experience is — and says that altho he manages, it is at a terrific cost.  That I can understand and obviously I hope he can be cured of it.  But I can't help resenting the whole thing — and I'm trying to figure out why.  I'm going to try to be honest.  First of all, people have more difficulties and don't do anything about it — Charles, for instance, and so I feel Joe is pampering himself and I guess I'm jealous that he is giving himself an opportunity to get all straightened out.  And I resent that he did it without consulting me.  And I hate the idea of his being absorbed in something in which I can't participate.  All the business of raking up his childhood and his mother and his "rejection by his mother" and all that.  And I hate, hate, hate feeling that it is Marynia who is raking it all up (more about her later).

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