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232 Sunday, August 19, 1928 and instinctively I shall have the courage to believe it until something proves to me conclusively that I am wrong. And only you, John, can do that. April 16- 1935 No - Joseph has taught me. Because with him I find the essence of both you and Alan, and because he accepts both sides of me. But I still thank you, & still am fond of you, even more so now that it is sane, and always want to know you. But I realize it is Joe whom I love and with whom I want to spend my life. 233 Dec. 26, 1938 [[strikethrough]] Monday, August 20, 1928 [[/strikethrough]] I'm very unhappy, so maybe if I write it all out here I'll see how silly it is and get over it — because there is noone I can tell about it, except the one person who is the cause of it in part and I won't tell her. Joe is being psychoanalyzed — by Marynia. It's because of his abnormal difficulty in public speaking or speaking to new people. He seems to be sincere in his explanation of how dreadful the experience is — and says that altho he manages, it is at a terrific cost. That I can understand and obviously I hope he can be cured of it. But I can't help resenting the whole thing — and I'm trying to figure out why. I'm going to try to be honest. First of all, people have more difficulties and don't do anything about it — Charles, for instance, and so I feel Joe is pampering himself and I guess I'm jealous that he is giving himself an opportunity to get all straightened out. And I resent that he did it without consulting me. And I hate the idea of his being absorbed in something in which I can't participate. All the business of raking up his childhood and his mother and his "rejection by his mother" and all that. And I hate, hate, hate feeling that it is Marynia who is raking it all up (more about her later).
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