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236
Feb. 15, 1939
[[strikethrough]] Thursday, August 23, 1928 [[/strikethrough]]

I just re-read for the first time since I wrote it my outburst about Joe and Marynia and I must admit that it sounds pretty childish and stupid and selfish. In my sane and un-emotional moments I am ashamed of it and similar thoughts. I admit, too, that Joe seems to be happier and more place and adjusted and he says he seems to feel cured and for all that I am really glad. But quite honestly I have still not gotten over my resentment of Marynia. And I know I'm unreasonable and foolish about it and that all I do is exasperate Joe by my attitude and make it harder for him and knowing that I hate her even more because I know I'm letting him down and being all the things I don't want to be and so I hate her for making me that way. I decide to control myself and be sensible and objective and ask all the questions about hypnosia and sodium amytal and all the other things that would interest me if they weren't connected with Joe - and then damn it, something happens and I make some awful remark and naturally Joe shuts up and then I feel worse and so I say something even more horrid and so it goes. I've been nasty altogether lately since this thing started, and there is absolutely no excuse


237
Friday, August 14, 1928

for it. Just when I think I've gotten O.K. again - like our weekend in Atlantic City - and then out it crops once more. Oh damn it - what's going to happen? The real thing that worries me now is that Joe can never forget how very terribly Ive acted - and never forgive me - and never treat me like an adult again. So that - god damn it - it has changed things for us. Marynia forgot when she said it wouldn't that Aline isn't [[strikethrough]] just [[/strikethrough]] an "intelligent girl" - but an emotional woman who happens to love her husband terribly and to be fanatically jealous. Jesus - if only I could figure out some way to get control of myself and get back Joe's respect - and my own self-respect!