Viewing page 121 of 145

This transcription has been completed. Contact us with corrections.

238

Feb. 21, 1939
[[strikethrough]] Saturday, August 25, 1928 [[/strikethrough]]

Marynia left a little while ago. She was here for supper and then gave Joe some sodium amytal variant and a hypnosis and I went to the movies. She was here when I came back (Joe was & still is "out" on the couch) and finally I couldn't stand it any longer and told her how I felt. I must admit grudgingly that she was nice - said it was quite natural and normal, explained why, said it was temporary and that Joe wouldn't hold it against me. Maybe she's right - but then she started other fears. She said it was a transference. Will Joe get over it? Wasn't he depressed today at the thought of working simply because it means no more regular confessionals to Marynia? She said he dominated me in the past and acted certain ways because of this mother-trouble, but now what worries me is that he will be changed and maybe those very nicest things about him were the result of feelings about his mother. God, I don't know. It's as if he' been away for these last few months - but worse, because if he really were away I wouldn't see and feel his self-absorption, his indifference to me, his dependence on Marynia. And even when he is technically finished, there will always be the realization that wen anything goes wrong 

239
Sunday, August 26, 1928

he will want and need (and probably go to) Marynia. God it's been a miserable period. Pregnancy is supposed to be so happy and glowing - but this one certainly isn't - it's carrying "the white man's burden" all alone. Oh dear - I wish it were a year - or at least 6 months from now. I wish Joe would come back to me. It isn't that he hasn't been sweet recently - he has - very. But it's that intangible distance, that fundamental indifference - it's hell. It's probably lucky that I am pregnant or I'd be as unfaithful as hell. I'd sleep with anyone and everyone - just to feel that someone really needed me instead of Marynia. How fervently I hope she was right and that I do get over this - and oh! if Joe is only the same dear Joe again, who did things with me, and felt with me. What a winter - a job I don't like, this business, and pregnancy without Joe's feeling that Aline is pregnant. Instead, he's just interested in - good, we're going to have a baby. And he hasn't told me he'll call a girl "Sally" - but he has told Marynia! Note: Marynia thinks it will surely be a boy. So do I. Now I hope 3 times as much that I'm wrong. It's utterly ridiculous to