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90 ABBOTT'S MONTHLY for JANUARY, 1931 [[image]] "Ma! Daddy just fell in the river!" "Mercy! Did he have his rubbers on?" HE KNEW HIS TARTS Jonny was very fond of jam tarts and his mother found it took considerable watching to prevent his eating enough to make him sick. His mother found him one day in the kitchen gazing intently at a pan of freshly cooked tarts, and asked what he was doing. "I was just wondering, ma," he said as he took a languorous look at the tarts. "Well, you haven't touched those tarts have you?" "Not yet," Jonny responded. "I was just wondering if they are nice enough to be half-killed for." ______________ First Politician: "We are going to investigate the Geodetic survey. Do you know much about it?" Second Politician: "Nothing. I don't even know what 'Geodetic' means." First Politician: "Neither do I. That would be awkward. We'll investigate something else." ____________________ Sergeant-Major (to timid soldier): "Listen, we'll suppose you're up against two of the enemy, so. You punch your bayonet into enemy No.I. Then at almost the same time you soak enemy No.2. in the smeller with the big end of your rifle. See?" Private: "Y-e-s. Sir, but if the first one took me artillery away, what do I do next?" Sergeant-Major: "Oh, then? Well, in a crack like that you stand still and wait for a blinking miracle to happen." STUNNING RETORT When the woman motorist was called upon to stop, she asked indignantly, "What do you want with me?" "You were travelling forty miles an hour," answered the police officer. "Forty miles an hour? Why I haven't been out an hour," said the woman. "Go ahead," said the officer. "That's a new one on me." _____________________ WE'LL SAY SO "That was a queer way Jone's had to take to arrange his son's finances!" "How so?" "He paid a round sum in one lump to straighten out his affairs." "I see Eva's new fiance has gray hair." "Yeah. She calls him 'Flaming Youth." He must be in his second childhood." _____________________ A REGULAR BLOW OUT Up to the Garage, Drove Sandy McNare, And noted a sing That read "Free air." His grin was broad As he left his seat, To inflate his tires Was this price-less treat. (Now this is no fake on the frugal Scotch; For punsters already Have giv'n them a blotch.) But he used more air Than a tube requires, And he didn't stop, Till he blew four tires. ___________________ SNAPPY COME-BACK Clerk: "My salary is not what it should be." Boss: "I believe you, and I doubt if you could live off what it SHOULD be, my boy." __________________ AND HOW "That Jones boy that used to work for you wants me to give him a job." "Is he steady?" "Well, if he was any steadier he'd be motionless." ____________ EXPERIENCE EXCHANGE First Tourist: "Were you ever pulled in by a farmer?" Second Tourist? "Nope-farmer's daughter. We're married now." [[image]] "I see Eva's new fiance has gray hair." "Yeah. She calls him 'Flaming Youth.' He must be in his second childhood." 91 [[image]] She: "Isn't the view wonderful from here?" He: "Ideal." _____________ WHO PAYS "It's de woman who pays! Say, ain't dat a joke? Some poet wrote dat W'en loaded wid coke: He must a been hypen To hand out dat pash, Fer we know it's de men Wot pays out de cash. W'en you see a dame in A swell seal skin coat, An' a big rope uv pearls Decorantin' her throat When she's buzzin' aroun' In a limousine, say- Yuh kin bet - fer de outfit Dat she didn't pay. Why us guys has paid, An' paid till it hurts, An' 'twas pay as you enter Wid all of them skirts, An' de bughouse is full Uv poor guys today, Who didn't do nuthin' Fer women but pay! ________________ DIFFERENT GRADES Feminine tempers you may note Are like cigars my child; Some are medium, some are strong, And some are very mild. ________________ ON THE ROOF A farmer saw a green parrot on the roof of his cottage, and climbed up to capture it. The parrot looked around, and said sharply: "What do you want?" The farmer tipped his hat and said: "Pardon me sir, I thought you was a pheasant." _________________ DID YOU MENTION SCHOLARSHIP? Papa: "Bobby, if you had a little more spunk, you would stand better in your class. Now do you know what spunk is?" Bobby: "Yessir; it's the past participle of spank!" _________________ Wife: "Richard, I wish you would take care of the baby for an hour or two, I am going to have a tooth pulled." Husband: "See here, dearie, you mind the baby, and I'll go get a couple of teeth pulled." _________________ DUMB OF THE DUMBS There is a young lady who thins that a forward pass at a football game is something to be presented at the ticket window. -Carolyn Snowden. _________________ A DIPLOMAT Wife: Henry, do you realize that you have forgotten this my birthday? Husband: Yes, dearie. I did forget, and it's quite natural that I should. There really isn't anything about you to remind me that you are a day older than you were a year ago. _________________ YOU JUST SAY IT Cops:Don't try that on me big boy, give me your name and address. Prisoner: Well, Mr. Policeman, my name is Czerwakkazsichshi. Cops: How do you spell it? Prisoner: You don't spell it, you just say it. _________________ WE THOUGHT IT WAS NOAH "You know, I think the day the prodigal son came back must have been an awful slippery day." "Why so?" "Because the Bible says when his father came out to welcome him he fell on his neck." _________________ ISN'T THIS RICH Wife: What was the excitement down the street this morning? Hubby: The cork came out of Mr. Greene's flask of moonshine and exploded and blew up the patrol wagon. -Sam Prentice. __________________ A SPOT-TAKER Bachelor: Can your wife take a spot out of clothing? Benedict: Can she? This morning she took a five-spot out of my trousers and I hardly missed it. -Gene Wright. ________________ Peach to peach And plum to plum, The woman I love Must be dumb. _________________ "They must have swell furniture in the new college." "How come?" "I was just reading where some millionaire donated $50,000 for a new chair."
