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Saturday Oct. 21 '39

Out today to seek friends and talk with people after a silent period of three weeks. There is need for seeing people: Irmgard at the library - Jack's at Waimea - Bumper's at Kalaheo - Mrs Anderson (not home).

Tonight, I saw children at the new skating rink and feel a wave of contentment roll through the streets - with men chewing the fat and discussing women, kids happy as anything - 

I had just written to Rose in the [[interim?]] - did it out of loneliness, I guess - or say it's love - that rises out of loneliness. Can't see her marry that guy whom she doesn't love. And yet I can't offer her the bond of marriage. Am still afraid of being tied down to principles and artificial ties. But want her, need her. and want to see Alaska; to live in N.Y. to write, to paint, to hike to have many friends in town. Want everything - but lasting ties. Won't collect books anymore nor records - except those that help strengthen my faith in the unencumbered life of the artist : Kent, [[strikethrough]] and Wagner: [[/strikethrough]] in whose writings I find an adventure reaffirming my ideas of want most beautiful relation to nature; Wagner's Tristan & Isolde, thru which I am reminded that a man's love for a woman can approach the emotional grandeur of great love for the world.  For me, none of Craven's weak ideas on what is art, none of the platitudes of the teaching profession, nor the weakness of weak people

  I could weep for Rose - poor girl - she should by this time understand me, and get a job, be independent of her family - & live with me without demanding the permanency of the design.