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spring if I am refused the blame will not be so entirely on my own shoulders, and still how ashamed of myself I am when I think of the advantages of drawing which have been given me here, in New York and in Chicago and then contemplate this refusal and what is more humiliating that they have more or less right as I late in the week thought I could cover some early defects by delicate finish and other clap traps of drawing which I have given more attention to learning than the fundamental principal of the insenible fool that I am.  If I do not conquer weaknesses which stand before my eyes as clearly and distinctly viewed as self accusing nature can make them. I say if I do not master them I am not worthy the faculties which a generous providence has endowed me with. What is the use of existing longer if in that existence you feel there is error error and realizing it have not the courage or determination to eradicate it, why be an example of weakness, the world has to many of them at this moment for its own good and you would confer upon it a blessing to hide your own miserable self were you nothing but a weak irresolute creature. I pardon faults unknown, but can not pardon a mistake which is curated simply from lack of exercise of the powers endowed to every reasonable man to see truth and to render it.  But the shining light of a metior does not warm the earth neither does explosive rhetoric change a bad habit of drawing -

Transcription Notes:
error repeated twice in diary