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even, I... My ego was just someplace else. And so, like, like all these things started to happen to me, right? I began to confront a whole structure of reality that was totally out of contest with the way I was brought up. Somehow or other, though, I kept on thinking that everything was going to be O.K.; that I was still going to be able to do what I wanted; that I was going to somehow get by; I still didn't believe it; I didn't want to believe things were that way, this kind of thing was creeping into my head and I began to be aware it was, but I still wanted to push it away I didn't want to believe it; wasn't going to affect me. Somehow I was different. Somehow I was going to slip by. I was going to get to do what I wanted. 

I wanted to make art from the time I was a little girl. I mean I had no other aim in life since I was three years old. And by the time I was twenty-one, I had developed some attitudes that I think a lot of young women develop; like; putting down other women; saying, "I don't really like women very much, I like men better"; "Most women aren't very interesting... What was happening to me-which I understand now- was I was beginning to see the world as if I was a man; and I was talking like I was a man, putting down women, saying the things that all the boys said, "Whanh! Women aren't very interesting, you know," "Blah, blah, blah," all the things... So that I could be accepted by a bunch of boys because they were the ones that I was trying to get recognition from, cause they were the ones that were doing things. O.K.? But still nonetheless, you know I though, Well, OK, you know, I sort of got into that whole trip; not recognizing on any level that that was very sick, that on its fundamental level it was, it was perverted and unhealthy and destructive; and I went along like that for four or five years, still thinking somehow that I would just do what I wanted to do, despite the fact that, that there were no women on any level in the society that was above like menial. There are no women in Congress; you look at Congress, there are no women. there are no women running anything. There are no women running the country, there are no women in power in administration. There were no women generally teaching art, and the ones who taught art in universities were unimportant. There were two when Hal and I were in school, and they were both put down; I mean, they were sort of laughed at as little old ladies.