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57

one of his earlier poems written in Italy at Florence beginning -- "Dear Lilian all I wished is more 
I sit beneath Italians sure"

to her. He told me he used to hear him say sometimes "if I can get over the 21' of December I will be all right." It was the anniversary of her death and it came up to him always to influence all his plans and indirectly kept a most tender place in his loving heart - The papers today had encouraging notices of the Academy and the Herald referred to my picture as being in the place of honor.

Monday Mar. 31. 1879. Mrs. Cross came to see me today in the deepest distress. To my surprise she still retains a feeling of affection for the husband who has abandoned her for another woman and thinks if she could get to him he would be tender to her. I gave her ten dollars. She had heliotypes to sell but had not been able to sell any and was pretty well discouraged. I went up to Mrs. Leggetts book store to talk to her about her but she was not in and so I wrote her a note. Stopped at Julia Dillons on my return. Mrs. McClurg wife of the artist Trevor McClurg was painting in her room. The wind has blown a gale and the dust has drifted in clouds all day. Sara and Edith Cook came down by the train reaching here about 4. Sara went over to Hoboken with Edith. Wood came in. Had been at the Academy. Very few people there. This is "buyers day." Smith of Springfield called with a very pretty lady, a Mrs Foote who seemed very pleased with my studio and particularly with Mrs. Coopers picture which has just come from the Paris Exhibition. Marion and I went to Mr. Spaulding's lecture on Modern & Ancient art compared at Chickering Hall. Gifford and his wife sat near us. The lecture was not so interesting as I had expected. Gifford and his wife went from there to the Academy reception. I did not go. What agonies of confusion and alternations of hope and despair I have passed through this month. Some things which it seemed to me I could not endure begin to look far off and I hope I have passed through a most trying period of my experience of which I can only speak to these dumb leaves where I find it a relief to set down my daily record of trials and sorrows. I find myself largely dependent upon interests and events in the near future, as a sort of excitement to enable me to bear the sense of loneliness of the present. The latter part of this week I shall go to visit Weir for a day or two, perhaps longer and from there to Boston. I wonder if I shall find any relief and comfort in my trip or whether I will wish myself back as soon as I am fairly away, and what, O what, has the future in store for me.