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172

time to attend a trustees meeting at the Century. It was raining violently when I left. No one came by except Mc Donough and Collins and there was no meeting. I was sorry enough I left. 

Friday Apl 30" 1880. Awoke with a head ache. Tried to paint on dear Gertrudes portrait but could do nothing. Had a letter from Sade trying to cheer and encourage me. Mary called with Miss Shank and Miss Collins. Some people from Denver called, Mr & Mrs C[[?]] with a letter from Goodrich. Had to take champagne for my head ache but it did not entirely cure it. However I came to my room shortly after dinner and went to bed and finally got to sleep without one of my distracting attacks. I think I shall at last outgrow these headaches as I have them much less frequently than I used to.

Saturday May 1. 1880. 
Had a note from Weeks yesterday asking me to go to the Adirondacks with him about May 20. I have written him that I cannot go. I can't afford the money it will cost. This lack of money and lack of any thing like encouragement in my profession is ruining me. I have got into such a state that my work has no interest to me and the future with all its cares and anxieties looks very dark to me. I think it is this lack of stimulus that is the greatest trouble to me now. It leaves me with my sorrows and forces me to dwell too much upon my troubles. If I could only sell my work and feel that I was getting on and able to pay my way and meet my engagements I am sure life would look brighter to me. As it is now the days drag wearily on and I am full of unrest and alarms. I am going home today and on Monday expect to go out to Delaware Co. with Jensen Anderson trout fishing but I do not look forward to it with any enthusiasm. The weather is cold and I am afraid it is too early to go. Still it is an interest to fill up the weary days. Thinking of dear Gertrude as I do constantly