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346

cannot help thinking of her all the time

Monday March 13. 1882. Went over to the cemetery for the first time this winter. An inexpressible melancholy has had possession of me. I thought it would be a relief to go and look at the spot where dear Gertrude lies but I think it only made me feel more sad. Then I walked out on the common out to the "View" and her letter in which she said how sad it would be should she ever walk here alone when I was gone, but that most likely she would go firs t came to my mind. Dear loving heart. She is the ideal of all charming womankind. I was reading in the Tribune the death of the Duchess of Essex I think who was once a very popular actress and a lovely and excellent woman. Such women were of her type. Gertrude I think with the proper training would have been able to do any thing on the lyric or dramatic stage because she had a personal charm which is the gift of God. No one but myself can ever half understand the infinite loss she is to me. As I sat in the parlor and looked at her silent piano I felt afresh what a charm life had lost when her lovely voice was hushed in death. O how can I bear the coming years which must be fuller and fuller of sorrow for me. Reluctantly I came down to town by the evening train. I went to the club and had some supper and then came to my room feeling tired and very sad. 

Tuesday 14. Painted all day on my Twilight but it is not good and I feel dejected and anxious. Went to dinner of the G.B. Club at Powells. There were two new members Mr. Brahm and Mr. Joseph Harper. The dinner was excellent but in the present condition of my finances I could have been content with a much simpler one. After dinner Johnson, Mr. Harper and I went round to the Club to see the portraits of Washington and his wife painted by Sharpless from life in 1794 which are owned in England and have been brought over here by Major Waters. He was at the Club and Thompson introduced him to us. He has had autotypes made of them and his object is to sell them as the pictures are not for sale. We sat at the supper table and talked with him until after midnight. He is an enthusiastic man but evidently dont like this