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352

Saturday Apl. 1. 1882

Painted on my Johnson picture until afternoon and went home by the 4 o clock train with a pretty heavy heart. The fates seem to be against me this winter. All my hopeful anticipations have failed and I do not know what we are going to do. I feel heart sick and like giving up. Found my Mother steadily improving but my father not well. I think he worries over our condition but tries to keep up courage. I have been in this state often before but I am growing very weary of it. My Mother too is very anxious and troubled and imagines disaster just as I do. Gussie came down to N.Y. today to be treated at Dr. Taylors. She is in a very feeble condition. Lucy is at home

Sunday 2. A beautiful day. Lucy and I walked over to the cemetery. I could not help wishing I were resting by the side of my dear Gertrude if it were not that others are depending on me. It seems so sad to me at home when we are in this anxious condition and I keep wondering what I am to do there all summer unable to free myself from this heavy melancholy. I try to behave but I seem unable to be cheerful. I wrote to Booth telling him just how troubled I am and urging him to come here on his way home as he proposed. Wrote to Weir also and to Dr. Pelton. 

Monday 3. Took a walk over to the West Shore rail road near Wiltwyck Cemetery. It was windy and cool but in the afternoon the wind subsided and it was very pleasant. I had intended to go to Hudson but a telegram from Jas Gifford on Saturday told me May was sick and would not be able to see me so I telegraphed I would not come. I see so much to be done at home that it seems most hopeless to attempt any thing. If I had made my normal income I could have struggled through but now I seem to be baffled at all points. I am unhappy at home and every where. Came down by 6 clock train in a very desolate state. Went to the Club and got some supper. Parton was on the train evidently as full of trouble as I and we talked together of the discouraging state of art.   

Tuesday 4. Painted all day on my Johnson picture. Went to the meeting at the Academy to revise the constitution. I hate the whole thing and am too troubled to be at all interested Went up in the gallery to look at my picture. It looked dull and made me sick. I saw that J. G. Brown had sold all his pictures and Bristol had sold his.    

Transcription Notes:
Wiltwyck Cemetery first organized 1850 near Kingston, per Wikipedia