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to me today as any thing in this material world that I can not see, only I cannot speak to her except through the spirit. On my bureau is a little terra cotta box and two bits of paper which she once twisted into her hair; absolutely rubbish to all but me; to me something her hands touched to mind them with a value that nothing can express. In a little diary hanging beside the mirror are memoranda she made in the spring of articles she wished to purchase and I so well remember how she waited and tried to assure herself whether we were able to do this or that with our limited means. These trifles remain and she is gone. Dear loving faithful heart. The life I led with you and still lead with you nothing can rob me of. A blessing that shall always be with me no matter what sorrows I may still be called to meet. - My picture came back from Springfield and so that chance from which I had hoped something is gone. Calvert and I went out in the evening to call at Ames Van Warts but they were not at home. We went to the Morses and they were out. It was very cold and wintry and we came to my room and smoked and I told Calvert how wretched I am and what a dilemma I am in. He is very kind and helpful and helps me in all possible ways, but nothing can help me that does not enable me to meet my obligations. When I think what I am suffering for the lack of a few hundred dollars while we have thousands of dollars worth of valuable property and my studio is full of my best pictures there seems an air of absurdity in it all.

Tuesday March 6" 1883. I awoke this morning before dawn with such a dreadful sense of impending disaster that my heart almost seemed to stop beating. The old, old trouble which almost always comes with the Spring when I should feel happy and hopeful. It was snowing when I went to breakfast and continues to snow furiously. I wrote a despairing letter to Sara filled with my apprehensions and I was obliged to write to Mr. Butler declining the "G.B." dinner and to tell him I was forced to consider my expenditures. This is  humiliating but I do not want him to think me indifferent. Painted on my picture until the light faded and I think improved it when I busied myself reading and in various ways to try to keep away distracting thoughts. It snowed all day but was raining a little when I went to dinner. Spent the evening at Marys. 

Wednesday 7. Fuller came in bringing the picture of mine he bought at Auction. I told him I would paint on it. He saw the

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