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Thursday, Aug. 12" 1886. Awoke with great depression and discouragement. The future seemed most barren and unlovely and a sense of disaster seemed to envelope me. The morning when one is troubled seems the saddest time. I wonder if there are not more suicides in the morning than at any other time. O that I had some absorbing work in which I could forget the nagging annoyances. I long for release from these wearing and sordid cares, a life however simple so that I am saved all this fret and worry and can live in the pursuit of my art. I am growing old and begin to fear my artistic career is closed unless I can lead a different life. I am going to N.Y. to get my sketches and studies next week hoping I can get at work upon a picture, only the most discouraging feature of it all is that I seem so barren of ideas and of all inclination to work. I read a number of pages in Amiels Journal A most unhappy man and to me a most depressing book. I see in him a sort of paralysis of effort which I fear might easily befal me, and it frightens me to see how timid and cowardly I become when my money is going and none coming in. It is after all a most honorable feeling to wish to be independent, to keep ones obligations and to fear to contract them without the material to meet them. The house seemed most lonely this afternoon. My father was lying down and Mary and Sara were in their rooms. I think of dear Gertrude in my discouragement and loneliness with a never ceasing sense of my irreparable loss in her.- Andrews and Lucy came home from N.Y. this evening. It has been pretty hot. Acknowledged Hanna & Ive's letter. [[left margin]] Pretty hot growing cooler in the evening [[/left margin]]

Saturday 14" Yesterday Andrews Lucy, Sara and I went up to the Grand hotel by the 2.30 train by invitation of the proprietor, Joe. Cornell. It was a pretty warm day but we found it very cool up there. Mrs. Cornell was there and we also met Mrs. H. K. Thurber We had a very pleasant time, as pleasant as I could have any where, feeling as troubled and worried as I do. We returned that morning reaching home at noon. A hot wind is blowing and I return to the old wearisome and monotonous duties and anxieties. [[left margin]] Warm with wind. [[/left margin]]

Sunday 15". A charming autumnal day, clear and cool with wind from the N. so cool this evening that we were chilly sitting on the porch - A day to be happy, and yet this morning I had a feeling of almost absolute despair. Sara came to my room and I could not help pouring out to her my discouragement. Still this evening I feel calmer and have tried to direct my thoughts from my anxieties. I wrote to Booth asking him if he will take my Boughton picture for the interest ($600) due last Feb. and allow me to have a copy of it. I told him I still hoped to sell the place and the difficulties and anxieties of the struggle to keep it until I could sell advantageously. I directed the letter to Newport with instructions to return to box 160 Rondout if not called for - Calvert came up on the Powell last night, Marion having gone to the Kuaterskill house with Mr. Andrews. Sam Coykendall and his wife called this evening on Lucy and Andrews. We sat on the porch and talked for a couple of hours. Calvert talked mostly with Sam who gives me the credit of getting him to employ Romeyn to design the addition to the Ulster Academy. Nothing was said about our place and his talk of buying it by him and of course not by me, but I confess I do not give up the hope that he will buy it [[left margin]] Cool and autumnal. [[/left margin]]                  

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[[underlined]] no longer required, pls read current instructions ---------- Reopened for Editing 2023-05-11 14:22:47 .