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pressing she cannot get away. I think I never saw her so despondent and discouraged before, and it was most painful to me for she is usually so hopeful. As for me I am filled with anxiety and trouble over the near future. Back again in the harassing atmosphere in which so great a part of my later years have been passed - an otherwise happy life clouded with the struggle against the lack of a little money to provide for our simple and reasonable mode of life. The utter indifference to my work as an artist is most depressing, but so far as I can learn I am not alone in that respect. I walked down the Bowery this morning to buy a chisel for Jimmy. I saw plenty of struggling, wretched people there compared to whose troubles mine are as nothing. I know I am too easily discouraged but experience has shown me that my plans and hopes are not to be relied upon and I cant help asking myself how I am to provide for the future. I am going home today, but new perplexities will confront me there. I must try to meet them as best I can.

Sunday April 17" 1887. Came home last night by 4 o'clock train. Cold this morning with North wind. After breakfast I walked over to Chester St. to see what the man had accomplished, not as much as I hoped but I suppose all I could expect. I presume I will have to stop now as Henry is to go to work on the dock and I have not the money to go on with this work. Milton Holmes came up while I was there. He thinks I will sell lots as soon as the street is graded. My father is very feeble and Sara thinks his helplessness increases. She found him on the floor a few days ago where he had fallen in trying to help himself and she thinks he has been more feeble since.

Monday 18. It began to snow this morning and snowed furiously all day, a foot of snow having fallen. Tonight the wind blows and it is a wild winter night. I went down to the bank to get a note of $750 discounted to meet my note of $500 coming due on the 22nd, the last instalment of the $2000 accommodation Sam promised me so readily. When I handed the note to Bray he hesitated and asked questions and wanted me to see Mr. Cornell. I told him Sam had acquiesced in this arrangement and I supposed there was no question. I told him I didn't want to go to Cornell and he said he was going over and would see him and told me to come in in half an hour. My heart sank and I was in an agony of anxiety. It was snowing furiously. I thought of what a predicament I would be in if Cornell refused as I feared he would, as Bray intimated that he did not ratify Sam's arrangements. I called in however after a half hour of the greatest mental torture, when he told me it was all right. He said he had told Mr. Cornell I did not want to come to see him, which I thought unnecessary, and so I determined to go over and see Mr. C. and tell him why I did not care to go, which I did. I found him alone. I said I feared from what Mr. Bray said he had conveyed a wrong impression. I was not afraid to come to him but I did not want to intrude my affairs upon him, feeling it was for Mr. Bray to decide that. He said he was afraid either that I do not like him or that I thought he did not like me, and there was no reason under Heaven for such a feeling. I think it was well I saw him as he is suspicious and I showed I was not afraid of him. This relieved my anxiety but it left its sting in showing me how a disappointment like this would trouble me and gave me a vivid sense of my dependence. Mrs. Folant was to decide about the purchase of her lot today but as it was so stormy she did not come to Girards office. He saw her brother and they both advised me to go and see her which I did walking up through the blinding storm

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First FULL pass complete 05/15/2023 Per SI, when a word is split between films (either the first or last word), put the whole word on BOTH pages. PRESSING began on previous film. ---------- Reopened for Editing 2023-05-15 19:33:42 ---------- Reopened for Editing 2023-05-16 07:33:34