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and Bonyer wrote to him. Feeling very disinclined to go any where I still feel obliged to go to the Nineteenth Century Club for which Mrs. Austen sent me a card. Marion and Julia Dillon went with me. T. W. Higginson spoke on Literature in a Republic. He gave expression to a sturdy Americanism which was most refreshing to me and contended that Literature must eventually be more rigorous in a land where there was no repression from distinctions of inherited rank. I came away after he concluded and went to Mrs. Rossiter Johnsons where I had accepted an invitation. Most of the people were strangers to me but I met Mrs Kendrick, whose husband was President (or is) of Vassar College, a Mrs. Ely and Mrs. Peabody. Just as I was leaving I was introduced to Mrs. Bronson of Clinton, Saras friend whom Mrs. Thurber received so coldly.

Thursday Apl 21" 1887. Have tried to paint today but with little heart. Spent the evening at home but Mary has gone to Rondout, Marion went out and Mr. Parsons came to talk on some business with Calvert. I came to my room a little after 10 greatly depressed. When I feel so unhappy I cannot bear to go to see any one. I did not even want to go to the Century. I long tonight for some near and dear friend, but alas I seem no longer to have such a one. Inevitably I think of dear Gertrude in times like these and grieve for her in unabated sorrow. Discouragements seem to confront me on every hand and the worst feature of it is that I begin to distrust myself. How can it be otherwise when no one wants my work and my pictures come back to me from every place I send them. It seems now that I shall not make half our expenses this year and what am I to do. My brain reels when I think of the straits I may soon be in. What misery there is in this desperate struggle for a base living.- The little picture went today to Mr. Linsley but I have no guarantee that it will not return. I have no confidence in anything I do or try to do.

Friday 22. A note from James Gifford this morning announcing the death of Mrs. Sanford Gifford on Wednesday 20" and that she would be buried in Hudson probably today. Poor woman. In her case death must have been welcome, for the brilliant life she entered upon after her marriage with Gifford lasted but a short time and since then by the alienation of his family and many of his friends life could not have been very happy. It made me sad to hear of her death-. Pinchot came in this afternoon and urged me to go to Milford with him tomorrow. I declined at first but he seemed so desirous that I should go that I consented and so will not be able to go to Mr. Marquands, nor home until Monday. Calvert told me after dinner that his Tilden matter had been referred to Mr. Ware to arbitrate and he showed me an encouraging note from him. They had a meeting this afternoon and I see that he is very anxious. Poor Calvert. He is very patient under all his perplexities and does not complain. I went around to the club at 10 o'clock and remained until 12 talking to Edgar Ward. It rained a little when I came to my room.

Saturday 23. Calvert and went to Wunderlichs to see Vedders pictures They are very strange to me and I do not quite comprehend them as for instance "The soul between Faith and doubt." It is difficult to put this comprehensively in paint. His drawings for the Omar Khayyam were there. From there we went to the private room of the American Artists exhibition in the New Yandell Gallery 5' Av & 19" St. We were too early and had to hang around in the rain for 20 minutes. I think from a hasty glance they have an interesting exhibition but to me it is chiefly interesting from its eccentricities. They are mostly pictures which give me no lasting pleasure and make me feel how entirely apart 

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