Viewing page 438 of 607

This transcription has been completed. Contact us with corrections.

413

Wednesday June 15" 1887. Sara gave me some Gelsemium last evening and I think I feel less "swimmy" this morning. I go thro all my exercises now and rub myself well taking about an hour. Dr. Chalker came last evening. He thinks me greatly improved and I certainly am but I fancy he thinks I may not entirely recover from this. I hope and believe I will. The weather remains cool. So cool this morning I put on my thick clothes. Josephine brought the key of my house last night and I believe they have gone In some respects I regret to have them go for they took good care of my place which I am sure Tom will not, on the other hand I am able to pay Tom what is equivalent to $5 additional p. month I went over to my house and went all through it. It was empty and silent and looked so shabby and out of repair that it made me feel very sad. I thought of dear Gertrude every where there and of our early happy married life, so in contrast with these sad days. I tried to paint in some of my sketches and did work all forenoon but not with pleasure - it was only to do some thing. In the afternoon I went over them again and tried to paint a little picture of Mt. Katahdin from a little sketch I had but it was poor and disheartening. I can't paint feeling as I do now. One must be serene in mind to work with any result.

Thursday 16" Still cool weather. I thought I felt better this morning but my left side is very shaky and feeble. If I could only feel my power over it returning a little I would be encouraged. I can use my leg more but the weakness does not seem to abate. The days go wearily by and I eat out my heart brooding over my condition and the uncertainty attending our affairs. I wish I could hear from Booth. I would write him to tell him how I am if I knew where he is. He is probably very busy and very perplexed and I think he will write to me as soon as he can. Mrs Cantine who is going to give a party wants to send her little girl and her nurse over here to stay over night. This is asking a great deal of Sara who has her fill of responsibilities. It grew warm towards afternoon and I did not feel so well in fact was very discouraged when I went to bed. I take my exercises and rub myself but my left leg seems heavy although I can use it and bear my weight wholly on it.

Friday 17" We passed a hot, close night and I feel weak and discouraged this morning. Have that awful, swimming, unsteady feeling, still I have picked the peas and keep about, but every thing is a worry and a burden. We are in the midst of the cherries, two men came to buy them on the trees yesterday but we had agreed to let Henry and Josephine pick and sell them for half the proceeds. I cant do anything towards it and dont care if they rot on the trees. Too much to look after is about as bad as too little. I had a letter from Whittredge yesterday telling me about lining and mounting studies. He let Oliver do his and that is what I should have done. I am afraid I have ruined my six I attempted. I went over to my studio and looked again at those I attempted to line and I wish I had let them alone. I cant do anything to them now. I can only think of my helplessness. How dull the days when one cannot be busy. Occupation is necessary for content. When I see how helpless my poor father is I realize what paralysis means, as I never did before. I seem to get more feeble instead of stronger as the day wears on. Sara has given me Begonia this afternoon. She has gone 

Transcription Notes:
Gelsemium – For Vertigo With Loss Of Balance. Gelsemium is a natural medicine prepared from the plant 'yellow jasmine'. ---------- Reopened for Editing 2023-05-17 23:32:12 .