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[[strikethrough]] THURSDAY, JANUARY 16, 1936 [[/strikethrough]]
16th day cont 350 days to come

Cont

I love skiing & adore Alice & I know it helps her to have me here, & I came for these reasons - but also because I like H so much, which seems fantastic - as it has neither a future nor even a present - & what past there is, is fun that will never be the same again. With the thought that I'm not going to stay all winter, or come back soon again - I feel terribly sad. I feel so intimate here, & I know time is the only thing that makes that intimacy possible, & when I go it will go, & transfer itself to other people. I think it is the feeling that I can never repeat the plane of friendship & fun that A & O & H & I used to have that gets me down so. H was sweet today, but only because he is my guide & because he likes me. Aside from that our relations would be less close than they once were, & if he were someone else's guide he would have no duty - & I would never see him. We might

[[strikethrough]] FRIDAY, JANUARY 17, 1936 [[/strikethrough]]
17th Day  Benjamin Franklin - Born 1706  349 Days to come

Cont

have had a swell talk today, if I didn't feel so [[strikethrough]] far off after been [[/strikethrough]] out of touch from missing last winter, & so conscious of not letting him think I am more interested than I show. He used to confide in me, but won't again I'm afraid ever - & why is it that I hate & fear [[strikethrough]] that [[strikethrough]] this lessening in relationships as much I do? It is one of the most painful things for me - to feel a friend is going away more than coming towards - or to have to part for long & feel they are filling in my gap. 

I suppose it is passive & jealous characteristics - but also a deepness in my affections. He & I saw a fine Hirsch quite close today - below us - & it was a real thrill. He made his dog perform marvelously all the way home - & we had coffee downstairs with the Falch's - but nothing much was said - & when A got home she said H had had to call for Hannes & half their part at Petnois - & that when he arrived they all drank wine & had a swell time - & he never took me. I would have adored it - but sat at home alone instead.

Transcription Notes:
Pettneu: she's spelling phonetically in English