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[[strikethrough]] SUNDAY, FEBRUARY 9, 1936 [[/strikethrough]]
40th Day  Septuagesima 326 Days to come

cont.

[[strikethrough]] broken but hd [[/strikethrough]] of place - but is cracked, & my head is bad again now, & for that reason I won't be able to ski for a few days. This means that when I finally do, I will be three whole weeks behind, having only skiied three days during those weeks - & lord knows I am behind training as it is. I have lost my nerve too, & when I start again I will crawl from fright. My poor face - luckily the one spot I didn't hurt today was my old chin wound which still is full of stitches. Otto says I lost my nerve when Dot broke her back, & have been too upset & nervous the minute I ski with a crowd - & its so true. I can't seem to go my own pace when I see them all, & they rattle me beyond words. There is no use crying I've discovered because it only uncakes the blood in my knows [[nose]] - & make blood pour down my throat in protest. My fever went down to [[strikethrough]] 96 [[/strikethrough]] 95 from bleeding at first - & now it is above normal. Otto came in & talked frankly. He said I [[strikethrough]] could [[/strikethrough]] would have been 1st or 2nd reserve for the Olympics, & on the F.I.S. team - according to calculations - & that if I wait a few days & recover my health & nerve - I could well be in F.I.S. - but 

[[strikethrough]] MONDAY, FEBRUARY 10, 1936 [[/strikethrough]]
41st Day  325 Days to come

Cont

somehow as all my joy in skiing has been so killed in the last two weeks, just the way it was last year, that if they don't need me & if it isn't unsportsmanlike - I would rather leave it all as a bad job. At least I am one of the Olympic 8- & no one can take my place, & I have had good chances & bad luck. It is amazing - what with the flue [[flu]]- & the ski stick in my leg - & the cut in my mouth & concussion - & now my nose & head - all successively. It is funny how this girls, mobs, simultaneous eating sleeping & worrying, rivalry, skiing, speed, girls - gets on my nerves. The funny thing is that things seem to roll off their backs like water of a Duck's back - but not off a Swann's. I am ruffled & rattled by a thousand things a day, & I can't seem to harmonize with a crowd in a mature way. I keep being individual & consequently a big nuisance - & today Alice & Otto were furious at me. Well it is all so complicated & hard to describe, but would love to go to England & then home now - instead of hanging on doubtfully & uselessly here - Otto says we have all been through it - & I know it but still feel sad.