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[[something in pencil erased across the top of this and the facing page. Words faintly visible but unreadable, first word on right hand page appears to be "qualities."]] SATURDAY, FEBRUARY 15, 1936 46th Day Battleship Maine Destroyed 1898 320 Days to come Jan 18th I will get up today - & already my gellatine plans are about to harden due to a long talk with Alice. She came in last night & gave me a long fight talk about my faults--expounding on things I already know, but it was a rather painful & helpful thing because I admire her judgement so, & the truth about oneself is often painful. She said she "wanted to help me do what I wanted to do, but what do I want to do." She said I want to do what I want & yet I want to make a duty out of, & the minute I do that I want to do the duty [[strikethrough]]thing[[/strikethrough]] well because it is more a duty than a pleasure. She said if I want to go home I shouldn't stay here as a duty to try out for F. I. S. because I wouldn't do it well. She is so right--& I [[strikethrough]]want[[/strikethrough]] wonder if I do that because I have so few duties so far in life that I have to concoct extra ones in my mind in order not to have a continual conscience. It was the same thing about going home to Lu--I wanted to stay here, & yet I thought it a duty to go home to Lu, & though I did what I wanted as [[strikethrough]]SUNDAY, FEBRUARY 16, 1936[[/strikethrough]] 47th Day Sexagesima 319 Days to come Jan Cont usual, I had a terrible time deciding. [[strikethrough]]This[[/strikethrough]] now that mum has freed me to stay here, I feel it a duty, & want to go home! Well not exactly, because I have had accidents, & as A & O say am definitely out of the Olympics except as a last reserve, & that does make life nasty here, but still this is all typical of me. She says I make things so complicated by not seeing & stating the simple truth, that it is exasperating to everyone else as well as myself, & that I will make my whole life difficult from this, & it will always be hell for evryone else. I suppose [[strikethrough]]by[[/strikethrough]] I know I am selfish inside & therefore try to [[strikethrough]]be[[/strikethrough]] relieve my conscience about it by fabricating duties that look unselfish, & yet I usually do what I want in the end after [[strikethrough]]fighting[[strikethrough]] a big struggle between my wants & my false duty. I should go ahead & be selfish since my life is so constructed that I have rare possibilities of doing what I want without making other people suffer. This has all been a big eye opener, thanks to Alice who [[strikethrough]]has[[strikethrough]] is so [[strikethrough]]fed[[/strikethrough]] disgusted with me. It is funny
Transcription Notes:
Lu is Lucy, her sister
