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MONDAY, MARCH 30, 1936
90th Day 276 Days to come

Monday March 23rd

This is the last time that I will be able to say with intoxicating joy that another week has slipped [[strikethrough]] between [[/strikethrough]] over my head & between my fingers & toes without my feeling or hearing or seeing it do so, & I begin to feel ashamed of my lack of respect for TIME, which will soon revenge itself in my conscience when I find myself 24 years old & still as unaccomplished [[strikethrough]] in every way [[/strikethrough]] as I am next month. These weeks have been very idle & undisciplined & unhealthy in many ways, but there have been interesting experiences such as my weekends in Cambridge & Eastbourne & Dartington, & my glimpse of politics & the House of Commons through Babs & John, & nice friendly times [[strikethrough]] with [[/strikethrough]] in Chipping Norton with John & seeing Denny & his family, who are [[strikethrough]] most [[/strikethrough]] more interesting & fascinating & charming than any [[strikethrough]] one [[/strikethrough]] people I've met in a long time, to make up for it. This makes up 50% - & the other 100% (for the sum total of joy spent [[strikethrough]] not [[/strikethrough]] equals at least 150%) consisted of being in love. Though life has been flying alone - mostly night life - & though night & 

[[strikethrough]] TUESDAY, MARCH 31, 1936 [[/strikethrough]]
91st Day 275 Days to come

Cont.

day are much the same color in England - I'll be glad to get home & touch ground for a change.  I have begun to slowly float down now, & the process is going to be very painful from today on. I feel I have been very messy about John - I have been rude & mean & unattractive with him, & impatient & irritable on account of his coming between K & me continually, & finally have just confessed to him that I can't help always wishing I was with K. instead of with him. 

I like him less all around, & I feel sorry for him, but am still very fond of him & wish I had made the most of the friendship that is still there & always will be. I am very much in love with K now, - we both are - & have been seeing each other every night practically - & I know when it comes to leaving him I shan't realize how awful it is till it is too late & my train has moved.

I will have to write about Dartington & the Elmhirsts & a thousand things on the boat. I have never had such an affair before - with both of us so in love, & [[strikethrough]] know [[/strikethrough]] feeling so sure of each other with no dependence whatever or mystery about our thoughts & feelings for each other. But marriage doesn't seem inevitable to me yet.