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[[strikethrough]] SUNDAY, JUNE 28, 1936 [[/strikethrough]] 180th Day 3rd Sunday after Trinity 186 Days to come cont I wished I could have enclosed myself in a cable Paul sent to England before he sailed, & I looked at mum & thought she will be [[strikethrough]] in En [[/strikethrough]] a few hours from K in about a week, which makes it very odd that she isn't me, or that she won't even meet him. K sent me that other life of V. Van Gogh's - & it was the book he wanted me to have, not the gesture he wanted me to appreciate, which is rarely the case with presents. His poor mother is almost having a nervous breakdown at this point - it doesn't seem fair that someone should be so necessary to so many people that she must continually sacrifice herself. Imagine this - that after having written me [[strikethrough]] his [[/strikethrough]] three long letters without having recieved one from me since [[strikethrough]] Cobh [[/strikethrough]] the day after I sailed & sent one from Cobh - K writes that he was afraid something had happened until he heard from John that I had written him & was OK. - & sends up [[strikethrough]] by [[/strikethrough]] with "will write soon again." The point there is that he is so free from petty little [[strikethrough]] MONDAY, JUNE 29, 1936 [[/strikethrough]] 181st Day St. Peter 185 Days to come Cont false prides that he is able to trust in what he knows to be true - instead of getting annoyed & doubtful as I or anyone else would have done. I need continual little proofs to keep me from doubting a person's love - whereas [[strikethrough]] he [[/strikethrough]] if he was all alone in the world he would still have enough faith in himself [[strikethrough]] to [[/strikethrough]] to be able to see the truth without the slightest doubts. How I love this in him, & how refreshing it is never to have to be on the defensive. He is never suspicious or curious - possibly because he has little imagination - but his system leave it up to the other person with the result that they come to him of their own free will - & he is rewarded inevitably. This isn't because he doesn't care either. He is just like mummie this way. When I came out of that movie tonight I cried because I felt so terribly conscious of his qualities - but I can't describe why it should have affected me so. St J & I were very tired & dull today - in fact "the lights that failed" if ever there were two. I told him I hadn't loved him for years, & there was no use hanging on to something which wasn't there - but it had little effect beyond the fact that we were better friends than ever from our talk! He is not in a loving mood now anyway but he feels we must marry eventually - He is wrong.
