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[[strikethrough]] TUESDAY SEPTEMBER 8, 1936 [[/strikethrough]]
252nd Day    114 Days to come

Cont

Later

It is 1:30 & I can't sleep for thinking about K - who I grow more & more to feel is not enough for me, though a more exciting person would be more difficult & probably less lovable. I am sure that a lovable & clear & cozy & [[strikethrough]] utterly [[//strikethrough]] completely sympathetic person like him would be [[strikethrough]] the [[/strikethrough]] make most happy marriage for me - & yet when I think of my friends & family meeting him they won't forgive him for being neither beautiful & fascinating, or fiery & dynamic & forceful. Looks don't matter, but he doesn't make up for them with a forceful person - yet he is so steady & stolid & lovable, but it takes time to appreciate & know his real qualities. How ironical that Mrs Payne, the psychologist, should have the perfectly balanced son, who is one in a million who doesn't need to be analyzed - yet it is this one quality that makes him uninteresting. How dull it is to be perfect! He isn't so dull - but he isn't thrilling. Martha saw his picture & said a very perspicacious remark "I can't make him out, but there is something didactic about his forehead." I was and am


[[strikethrough]] WEDNESDAY, SEPTEMBER 9, 1936 [[/strikethrough]]
253rd Day    113 Days to come

very much in love with him, & in harmony - & perhaps if the rest of the world didn't exist, I would follow my chemical & electrical instincts which are normally the most right, & would never have doubts. It isn't a mere infatuation either - he is not glamorous enough for that, & I am very deeply fond of him, & admire him, especially for qualities I lack & adore in others - & I would like him to be the father of my children. Yet when I think how stimulating & fiery & yet sound Kim is - I wonder why in God's name I couldn't fall in love with him instead?? It would be awful if I saw K again - & saw all this above other things - & got over my love - if he was as fond of me as ever. That would be so terrible of me - but probably the reverse will happen. I will try to sleep now - but I wonder if it's my bad memory, or my clear [[strikethrough]] this reflection [[/strikethrough]] sense of proportion that causes all this - & what will I find when I see him again? I must think of someone these days - & it is always him - but whether that is because he is the [[strikethrough]] best [[/strikethrough]] only concrete one to think of at the moment - or whether it's real love - I don't know. Only two months have passed - so where will we be in 2 years? I wish he'd come to N.Y. & settle it.