Viewing page 156 of 193

This transcription has been completed. Contact us with corrections.

[[strikethrough]] MONDAY, OCTOBER 26, 1936 [[/strikethrough]]
300th Day     66 Days to come
cont

out like a growth on a beautiful face - & the fact that Jay thinks he loves me when I know how much more there is to love than what exists between us - irritates me all the more, perhaps because I feel it [[strikethrough]] might [[/strikethrough]] could be real love. He says he notices lots of things in me which I am unaware of - I am so accomplished - in - was it understanding of people? [[strikethrough]] I appar [[/strikethrough]] He notices ways in which I handle him, & perceptions I show which perhaps he [[strikethrough]] needs [[/strikethrough]] feels would help him. [[strikethrough]] Whe [[/strikethrough]] He says he loves me long & short - the long is [[strikethrough]] that [[/strikethrough]] love, & the short is that if he were [[strikethrough]] of an [[/strikethrough]] in the age & position of wanting to marry he would, [[strikethrough]] marry me [[/strikethrough]] but as it is he can only want to have an affair with me - & beyond that he says he loves me for my beauty & money & position in the social literary world - which is a [[strikethrough]] rather [[/strikethrough]] very cute evasion! We spent the evening on the Island - under a warm round moon, until 3 a.m. - & we swam later on. He had seemed not to want to, but that was because [[/strikethrough]] if [[/strikethrough]] he thought I wouldn't like him so much if he "deviled" me. Oh dear why do 


[[strikethrough]] TUESDAY, OCTOBER 27, 1936 [[/strikethrough]]
301st Day  Theodore Roosevelt - Born 1858   65 Days to come
cont.

I respect what I don't understand [[strikethrough]] with [[/strikethrough]] in such an overpowering & devastating way? I am always reaching out for what I haven't got in myself - & then I feel miserable & inferior in its face. I seem to be fickle too, & yet underneath am so far from it, but as Heinz says it is because I am searching for something. I find part of it in one person, & part in another - & yet never find it all in the same person. There is a lot of it in Jay, & [[strikethrough]] most of all [[/strikethrough]] a lot in H, & a lot in St J, & Kenneth, & even Kim - & how upsetting it is to see the person I love scattered all over like that! The scatterings want to be with me continually - & so I get all upset & feel hardboiled. Oh to hell with ego & love & my [[strikethrough]] selfish [[/strikethrough]] lousily written [[strikethrough]] rav [[/strikethrough]] girlish ravings. Henry says they like me because I am a combination of opposites [[strikethrough]] I think [[/strikethrough]] - sweet nothings & hands that can do something - wisdom & childishness, ugliness & beauty, peasant looks & manner with worldly sophistication - but [[strikethrough]] at least [[/strikethrough]]that is what Henry says only!